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| SO MUCH TO CONSIDER & THINK ABOUT |
20 JAN 2011
Today was my follow up (failure) appointment with Dr J. Lots of stuff was covered and my head is still spinning. It was all a bit emotional talking about everything that happened last cycle especially as I was slowly getting over it & starting to feel a bit more human & it just bought everything back to where I was when it happened. Also all the options I am faced with left me feeling exhausted and with a migraine & again making it out of Dr J's room n enough time to burst into tears at the lifts behind my sunglasses. I just crashed when we got back in.
Firstly I am to give half my body weight in blood tomorrow to look for reasons for recurrent miscarriage. H is also booked in for some testing, in particular one that looks at fragmentation. So we have to wait for these test results before we move forward.
Depending on my bloods I may be put on a steroid next cycle to help prevent miscarriage. The results of the tests H is having is the big one. One option for next cycle is doing sperm aspiration (or ball drilling as many of the forum users put it!) where they surgically remove sperm from the testicles.
If the tests comes back with not good results using donor sperm would be the next step. I have a blocked tube so I would have to have a procedure where they flush me with dye so they know which tube is blocked. Then we could do a cycle of IUI (insemination) with the donor sperm, this would be much easier on my physically than IVF.
Of course I am not sure how I will feel if we do have to use a donor, H said he would be disappointed obviously, but if that what we have to do to have a child then he is willing and wants to do it. Selfishly I want my own biological child with H and the thought of this never happening is pretty major news to digest. My head was filled of thoughts of why is this so hard for us? I know being a father is so much more than biology (as I've had little to do my whole life with my biological father & am far closer to my stepfather who came into my life when I was 12). It's just when you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with & plan your future which includes having a family, the thought of things like having to use a sperm donor don't cross your mind.
So lots to think about but I am trying not to stress till I get the actual results.
1 FEB
The results for H are not good & donor sperm is now being recommended to try. Dr J is sending away to the scientists for a full review of our case file & will get back to us when she has that result what to do. In the mean time to get the ball rolling, you are required to undergo mandatory counselling when making the choice to use donor sperm. Wanting to not waste time H & I decided to get booked in for this straight away so if we did go this road it was taken care of as the appointments have to be 2 weeks apart then a further 2 week cooling off period applies.
There was lots of discussion tonight about the news we got today, near the end of our discussion H said:
"We want a family so we will try this, if this does not work we will try something else, then when we have no options left we will look at adoption and if that does not work out I will just steal us a baby" (please note he is JOKING about stealing a baby!!!) My husband the problem solver, he is amazing and its times like this that remind me why I love him so much - he always knows the right thing to say and can always make me smile.
We got our appointments with the counsellor booked in and I can honestly say H & both felt they were a waste of time. Nothing a counsellor could say would change the fact we had decided to go down this road if need be. He was a very nice counsellor but H & I strongly disagreed with his view on telling the child as soon as possible (he suggested 4 was a good age) that they are the product of a donor and that we wanted them so badly we had to have someone help us & give us a special gift. We understand for medical & other reasons if a child was conceived via donor we would tell them one day but at 4? No way. It annoyed H & I both that he kept pushing this advice on us & when we left we both almost said in synch "tell them at 4?? no way don't agree with that!"
12 FEB
We have an appointment with the fertility clinic on Thursday to go through the donor selection process then after that we are off to see Dr J to discuss this cycle. Dr J has reviewed the scientist report now & has suggested that we do another IVF cycle using the donor sperm. I am hoping and praying this will be the answer to our problem
17 FEB
I know the odds of this working are more than likely not the best but Dr J thinks we should give it a shot and I would like to know we tried everything before going to donor. Maybe we are both clutching at straws but of course my ultimate wish is to have a biological child with H. If this does not work then, it is not to be and we will make a family with the assistance of a donor. I am already mentally preparing myself for the fact this may be another failed cycle or possibly a miscarriage. I can only cross my fingers this works for us.
If this last shot doesn't work at least we have already come to terms with the fact of switching to donor and will be able to move forward with no issues.
As for the medical side of things I cease taking provera tomorrow and just wait for my period to arrive & start another antagonist cycle.
11 March
So this IVF cycle seems like it is never going to start. After being off the provera for 3 weeks and still no bleed, I called Dr J and asked for some advice. A blood test was ordered ASAP to see where I was at in my cycle and then to come in for a scan.
We saw Dr J this afternoon and my blood test shows that nothing is happening, I have not ovulated and my levels do not show a period approaching anytime soon. So it is back on provera for another 14 days then hopefully something will happen.
While there today Dr J discussed with me a lecture & info about something called ovarian drilling, amongst other things it is supposed to help with implantation and has been very successful with people with pcos like myself. I said I was willing to have this procedure (basically I will try anything that might help) however it means a laparoscopy. Dr J said if we were going to do this then it would also be a great time to also have 'a good look around' in there whilst I am under. I have had adhesion's in the past and so we want to check for them, endometriosis and see which of my tubes is blocked.Not wanting to waste time I said lets do this & I am booked in for the surgery next Wednesday.
I really hope this procedure coupled with H having aspiration results in a success this coming cycle. I really want to to do anything to increase our chances and I figured if I did not do it this time and we still have no luck, it was something I would have to have done down the track anyway, so lets do it now. After 4 cycles things have to change and I am hoping these changes/procedures for both of us do the trick.
If anyone had told me the number of needles and procedures I would be undergoing a few years ago I would have said no way, I could not do all that. However when you really want something as much as we want to start a family you are prepared to go through anything.
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