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| HOW DO YOU MEND A BROKEN HEART? |
Writing was getting a bit more difficult for me now so these posts going forward will be formatted a little different than the previous ones.
Well here we go again..... after the failure of round 5 I have kind of been hiding in my cave and not able to talk about the past failure or even want to write about it. Was just too painful.
Round 6 kicked off on the 6 June and all went smoothly this time round with scans & medications.(a positive for once) It was another antagonist cycle and Dr J upped the doses of puregon this time. Egg pick up went ahead on Monday 20 June and we got 12 eggs. This was our first cycle using a donor (choosing a donor is an interesting process, they give your profiles with physical descriptions, interests etc.. its kind of strange picking something so important like you are reading a resume & hiring someone for a job - something I am accustomed to from my career) I have been fairly relaxed this time around and had not been stressed this cycle, then today I got the call from the lab with the results. I really wish this news had been given to me the other way around.
The scientist called to say out of the 12 eggs 11 had fertilised to which I thought (woo hoo) then came the BUT. She then went on to explain 6 were abnormal so at present we had 5. Funnily enough the donor sperm we chose did not thaw properly and we still had to have the ICSI process done using it like we did with H.
So it begins again, the waiting & worrying about what the number will drop down to as always happens & having to hope & pray I have something to transfer back on the scheduled day 5 transfer day of Saturday 25 June which is what is booked at present. We both want this so badly and if this does not work of course it will be into another round but I do wonder how much more failure & heartache I can cope with.
After egg pick up & fertilisation numbers where phoned through, on Thursday 23 June I got a call from the clinic telling me the numbers had dropped to only three remaining & they were unsure that they would make it till day 5 so could I come in for a day 3 transfer again straight away. Hanging up the phone & bursting into tears I called H to meet me at the clinic and got some amazing support via email & twitter from actress Elisabeth Rohm who has been through IVF & has written about it (it was a blog post speaking about this that led me to contact her & to my surprise she responded & has very kindly given me some much needed support. The kindness of strangers really surprises me at times.
My last cycle had been a day 3 transfer & was not successful so I was not feeling very positive at all about this. 2 were put back & it was time to sit it out & wait. I had such a bad feeling I did not even keep the photo of the embryos like I had been in the past (starting to get superstitious you see).
I started getting stomach pains on Monday 27 June & by Wednesday they were unbearable, we called Dr J who was at the airport on the way to a conference, concerned an emergency appointment was made for me to see a colleague. After checking me out he concluded that all was fine with IVF & he thought I had a gastro bug that had been doing the rounds that had stomach ache the same as labour pains. I thought it strange as I had no other gastro signs until we were leaving the hospital where his rooms were & I had to make a dash to the ladies were the gastro started. I yelled out to H as I could feel myself about to pass out. Next thing I hear is H & a lady on other side of toilet door. H had got a nurse & they both talked to me until I could unlock the cubicle. The nurse wanted me to go lay down but I just wanted out of hospital (some reason I always end up staying there longer than expected!!) So H got me home to bed. The Dr advised I was to stay on nothing but electrolytes for a few days, this was fine by me as I was not hungry.
By Sunday 3 July the gastro was no better & the Dr decided to prescribe something to help it as he was very worried about me getting dehydrated. I was so worried as how could a little embryo survive this? Next day 4 July it was time to do a home test & to my shock it was positive. Not believing this to be true, I did home tests for the next few days and they were all super strong positives. My blood test was on the Friday and I started to have a little bleeding but was told by the clinic not to stress. Blood test came back very good. But of course the bleeding got heavier & this cycle ends with my having another early miscarriage.
I do not know if anyone can understand how this feels, especially for the third time. Again there were a lot of tears & bouts of anger & for a few days all I could think about was taking every pill in the house which scared the crap out of me.I was in so much pain & I just did not want to go on for a few hours there. I hate that as it makes me feel so damn weak & pathetic. I made an emergency appointment to see my therapist and cried all over her for 30 minutes while she told me she thought I was coping well considering & that everything I was feeling was normal. She did prescribe something for my anxiety as the crying outbursts were uncontrollable at times & I needed something to take the edge off.
On top of all that my birthday was looming in Aug, I would be 39. Last year on my birthday I was let down by the first round of IVF having not worked, but was so positive that by this time next year I would have a baby or at least one on the way.
In despair one afternoon I made a tweet along the lines of "Why is this happening? Its so hard to take, will keep trying but losing hope". I got a response from someone who follows me on twitter who is actually a person I know & am friends with. Her reply to my tweet (which was just a statement, I was not looking for a reply) upset me to the point of my bursting into tears. I'm not really the type of person to cry over things like this, but anyone who has gone through this knows how raw & emotional you feel. So her reply of "Chin up you have a great husband & cats & the use of your arms & life will be fine if you don't have a baby" just shocked me. I have never asked anyone for sympathy, we just happen to be unlucky enough to be in this situation. This is someone I've known for 10 years & always been there to lend a supporting ear etc... & no matter how small a problem I would never say or tweet something like that. I already know I have a wonderful husband & I know people suffer far worse things such as battling terminal illness.
I just could not take anymore and that was the final thing that really made me shut down & disconnect from sharing my feelings about this with anyone besides H & 2 friends overseas who are very supportive via email & skype.
Besides the emotional roller coaster this has put me on that I was not expecting, I did not expect this journey to feel so alienating & to get so little support from the few people I know I told. I don't want pity or people feeling sorry for me. I guess I would just like some support offered to me like I offer to others when they are going through a hard time. I didn't realise that was such a big ask. Needing some place I could say what I felt if needed, I decided to block this friend from twitter so I didn't have to deal with an upsetting tweet again. From here on in twitter would be a great support to me & I would connect with some others going through the same or that had been through the same & have all been lovely. Something I never expected to gain from a place I used for fun & to keep up with my favourite celebrities. Again the kindness of strangers....................
I also decided to tell my mother we were taking a break, as I have mentioned previously we have a unusual relationship (but that would be a whole other blogn & I don't want to go off track). I had to accept many years ago she is not the type of mother most people have or I want. She was supportive asking questions & showing concern for all the medical procedures, but I just couldn't handle hearing her say again, when I told her about another miscarriage that it was for the best as no one would want a retarded or sick baby.
Looks like round 7 is on the way.........................
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