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| I DON'T KNOW IT YET, BUT THE STORM CLOUDS ARE ROLLING IN |
5 Nov
Started medication today for another antagonist cycle. First scans shows follicles of various sizes & a bit behind schedule so Dr J ups the medication & has me back in for another scan. 2 scans later & I'm ready for egg pick up on Friday 18 Nov so 12 days of needles & scans this cycle. Dr J did a biopsy on me on 4 Nov to test for something they call natural killer cells (they attack the embryos & either stop them from implanting or if they do implant they fight the embryo & cause miscarriages).
14 Nov
Final scan today & Dr J has my biopsy result back, I tested positive for natural killer cells & treatment for this is taking steroids starting the day after egg pick up. Praying this may be the miracle fix I've been praying for
18 Nov
The usual procedure of a 7am hospital check in, 5 waiting rooms, 10,000 questions & wrestling with those damn hospital gowns and support stockings and off to a drug induced sleep I go. I wake up to the news of 11 mature eggs collected, eat my horrid sandwich & go to the bathroom so H can get me home.
19 Nov
The much anticipated/dreaded scientist phone call reveals 10 of the eggs fertilised. As I have had so many problems with the numbers of embryos etc... the scientist kindly agrees to call me daily instead of every other day with updates. All keeps looking good & we are booked in for a day 5 transfer.
I also started the steroids today & if this work's then I don't care, but they are awful. They make me feel like I have a fever although I keep checking my temp & its normal. I have turned into a human sprinkler & have to keep changing pillow cases & pj's etc.... due to the amount of perspiration coming off me. I turn on every air conditioner in the place & grab a frozen ice pack from the freezer & sit with that on my head to help cool me down. I also feel a little light headed on them but it will be worth it if this is the thing that helps grant us our biggest wish.
23 Nov
We arrive for transfer & the scientist explains that we have 2 good looking embryos to transfer back, there are still 4 not quite there so they will call tomorrow & let us know if they made it & have anything to freeze. Before doing the transfer Dr J has a small talk with us, she is concerned that now after doing 3 cycles with donor sperm the embryo quality is no better. This is our 9th attempt and mentions my age etc... & suggests that maybe we should think about using donor eggs if we want to continue. I like the fact Dr J is upfront & honest but not in a mean or cruel way. Dr J can see what this is doing to me/us & wants us to have a successful pregnancy. Besides the physical & emotional strain, there is also the financial one.
We pop these 2 little embryos back & my blood test is scheduled for 7 Dec. Normally Dr J always says to call an make a follow up appointment if the blood test is negative BUT this time I'm advised to make an appointment now for as soon as possible after the blood test. (doesn't make me feel very positive, but if I was Dr J and had done 8 'failure appointments' with us, I would start booking ahead for one too!) H & I made a decision that if things didn't work out we would have a short break as all this stress & continually catching bugs etc... had been going on since Mar 2010. We both decided that if things did not go our way, I would take a small break & resume IVF in Mar 2012, this would give me approx 10 weeks off all these medications & hopefully some time to get ready physically & emotionally to do this again.
30 Nov
Again the 2 week wait limbo rolls on, I pop in my iPhone calendar the date I can do a home test & am surprised when the reminder pops up saying I can do it this Friday 2 Dec. I go & collect the post & to my surprise there is a letter from my Dr with a slip for a test to go & have an echo cardiogram. As it has been several weeks since the x ray & the virus & the Dr never got back to me I assumed my case history must have looked OK so forgot about that issue. Being someone who likes to be organised & get things down ASAP I was able to get a booking to have the test that same day. I explained to the lovely lady doing the test I was in the 2 week wait and I needed to keep stress to a minimum & she said she could have the test results faxed to my Dr by 5pm that night.
The Dr called me at 5pm & when there is nothing wrong they will tell you over the phone 'its all good'. Instead the receptionist said could I come in the next morning to see the Dr & discuss the results - mild panic set in as I knew this meant something was not right.
1 Dec
We started the day at the Dr's office to get the test results, while waiting I sent H off to grab some home tests as we didn't have any & tomorrow morning was POAS
I go home a digest the news & let it all sink in & get my head around it. About 4pm I go to the bathroom & discover I have started bleeding. I remain very calm & hop in the shower then just start crying and can't stop. H is at work & he is already concerned about me & the Dr's diagnosis from that morning so even though he tells me to call him for anything, I don't want to break this news to him over the phone while at work. I need to talk to someone but don't have many people I can discuss this with. I call one of my closest friends & get her voice mail, I try another friend and as soon as she answers I just start sobbing ( I managed to get out H & I were both OK as we all had been through an awful time a few years ago when one of our friends husbands was killed in a tragic accident). The talk helped to calm me & it was grat to have a friendly ear listen with no judgement.
The diagnosis that morning plus the bleed on the same day, especially when I felt I had so much riding on this cycle to be the one so we didn't have to go down the path of donor eggs etc.... was just all too much to take in one day. H always trying to be positive & cling to some hope reminded me we did have 2 embryos put back so this may just be one failing. Well Fri 2 Dec, when I was meant to do a home test was totally not necessary as the bleeding had got far worse coupled with very bad cramping.
I called Dr J's rooms to report what was happening and I was advised to stop the steroids & the clexane injections, so it was obvious by this that it was definitely being thought of as a failure. The next few days H & I just cried & talked a lot. We were both devastated & H who is the super positive one, was himself even feeling a little cheated at how everything had gone down in one day.
6 Dec
I went for my blood test a day early as I also had to have a ton of blood taken in relation to the heart diagnosis. I expected the call from the clinic that afternoon to say the pregnancy test result was negative BUT what if one had made it? I would be shocked as it would really be a Christmas miracle. The call came and I got the news I was expecting. The hormones coupled with the confirmation of the failure left me an emotional wreck again. H is the strong one & even he was having a hard time dealing with all this & was finding it hard to cope as well.
9 Dec
Back to the Dr today for the blood work in relation to the heart condition. All my blood work looked great except for my triglyceride's. Again she told me it is very positive this has been detected so early BUT she does not want to take any chances with it getting worse & also wants to find out what can be done about it or fix it altogether. A referral to a cardiologist was given & with a stroke of luck at this time of year was able to get an appointment for 29 Dec, much sooner than expected. Over the next few days I started emotionally feeling a bit better but tears would strike without warning at anytime.
My 'failure appointment" is today 12 Dec & this brings everything thus far up to date. From now on all posts will be in "real time" so you can share the fun of this roller coaster ride of emotion with me.
Will keep you posted!
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