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| A BUNNY & EGGS WITH EASTER IVF - I THINK ITS APPROPRIATE! |
13 Apr
Pain post operation after all the set backs is now all better. After 9 Days of waiting and no period I called Dr J for advice. I was sent off for a blood test on Monday and being me of course that was not easy. I went to the collection centre I always go to as the ladies there know me well and never have any trouble getting blood. On this day everyone was sick and there was a young girl filling in who got things off to a great start by looking at the test form and saying 'ohhhh your here to find out if your pregnant how exciting!!!' Anyone who has been through a struggle with infertility will know how those words made me feel - I nearly burst into tears. I really do not think they should say thing like that as they order that type of hormone tests for many reasons.
Anyway after much poking, prodding & several jabs she could not get blood out of me, I ended up having to go to the other pathology company next door and then wait in line there, but at least the woman knew what she was doing. A test that normally takes about a 30 min round trip took 1.5 hours.
Test results came back today and Dr J informed me I was ok to start cycle 5 (Yay finally) So tonight I had my first shot of puregon (275) and am officially on my way.
Please let number 5 be my lucky number. I know there is a chance of things not working again as the aspiration H is doing is no guarantee of a better outcome BUT this is our last shot before we move onto using donor sperm so we both really want this to one to work as if it doesn't it will feel so final moving on to this next step.
18 Apr
After 6 days of jabbing away (now 2 needles per day since starting the antagonist drug orgalutran on Saturday morning) it was time for the first scan.
As of today it looks like I only have about 6 eggs, which is less than usual, ovarian drilling is supposed to help with over stimulation and too many eggs being produced. So it will be time for another scan on Thursday to see whats happening and if there are any more eggs showing. Hopefully there will be some good ones there and we can go ahead with egg pick up on Monday 25/4. No point stressing, just have to sit & wait. I should be used to that by now as this whole process is a waiting game!
21 Apr
Got home from Dr J today & was so distressed/upset/confused that I had to have some Valium and hide in bed for a few hours. I think I am just a weakling and can not cope with all the changes & variables IVF treatment presents & is NOT explained to you before you start. I am a planner & so is H and we have always made plans to achieve our goals, with this the plans change all the time & it gets so confusing. I am so done & over all this, I really don't want to keep doing this to myself BUT I have no choice but to keep going because we both want a baby so very much. I really try to be tough but feel I am failing & this is only my 5th time round. I have been so calm and tried not to stress so far this cycle but it all went out the window today.
Had scan this morning and Dr J says there are only 4 decent size eggs, need to scan again Saturday and see if any of the other few have caught up. If they have not then the cycle will be cancelled as the feeling is it would be a waste of time to go in for 4 because of what has happened previous cycles with my results (get 11 good eggs to fert and end up with 1 or 2 embryos to transfer) After waiting since January to do this cycle the thought of it being cancelled & all this being for nothing just gutted me. I don't think I can handle another delay. And knowing you have taken provera for 2 weeks which makes me feel sick then doing 12 days of 2 shots per day with nothing to show for it............................
The other thing that has me confused/upset is the plan all along before & after the ovarian drilling was that H have aspiration this time. Today however Dr J thinks that drilling has obviously made a lot of changes to the eggs due to the lack of numbers and if we do go ahead that we should not change anything else this cycle - that the eggs/drilling is change enough. So I am left feeling that if it does go ahead and I get a BFP I will just have another miscarriage as they concluded a while back that this was because of H & his fragmentation issues etc.... That's why we were doing aspiration and even got all the info on donor's as they advised and did the counselling etc.. So Dr J is having another discussion with the scientists did this report in first place and will tell us what they think when we go back for scan Sat.
I am just upset & confused and feel this is never going to happen for me, nobody but H understands how emotional & frustrated I'm feeling.
23 Apr
Had my 3rd scan this morning, everything was riding on this. I now have 8 good size eggs
The relief that we are going ahead is great, however there is still a lot to worry about. I have to hope the eggs they get are good and then of course see how the embryos progress and how many are left for transfer on day 5 (as usual I need 2 to transfer & I would LOVE some extras to actually freeze, has not happened yet so would be an amazing bonus if it did happen).
Tonight I had my last shots, then what they call the trigger shot (ovidrel at 7.30pm - not sure or can't remember why but Dr J always has me do 2 of these). Apart from the procedure Monday I have a needle free week YAY!!
If all goes to plan this is the schedule:
Blastocyst transfer is booked for Sat 30/4 (hoping for 2 to transfer fingers crossed!) after transfer I begin on aspirin & clexane injections everyday.
Blood Test is scheduled for Friday 13/5 (That week is our 12 year wedding anniversary/15 years together - we got married the same date we met so we could keep the same anniversary date!) of course I don't want to get my hopes up but what a wonderful anniversary gift for the both of us this working would be.
Hoping, praying & have everything crossed.
25 Apr
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| NO PRESSURE KID, JUST ALL OUR HOPES & DREAMS ARE RIDING ON YOU |
First thing this morning the scientists phoned me to say we only had 1, 8 cell embryo left & to come in to Dr J & the clinic ASAP for a transfer. Needless to say although I was warned this may happen I got very upset about it all. I guess with my surgery to improve things & H's procedure I may have had higher hopes for better results & they all came crashing down. I have 2 great friends overseas how I was able to email about my upset & disappointment & a lovely friend I had made via twitter who was sending me nice tweets about trying to stay calm etc.. all that really helped.
H & I have less faith in this cycle then we have had in any of the previous ones for so many reasons, it really would be some type of miracle if this one worked.
I already have my 'failure appointment' appointment booked with Dr J for Monday 18/5.
8 May
I had grave doubts about this cycle with everything that happened & our results. I was waiting till tomorrow to do a home test and confirm my suspicions that it had not worked out BUT a tiny little part of me said with it being our anniversary wouldn't it be just great if I was wrong and I was able to wake H up with the news of a positive test......
Today I started bleeding and I was pretty sure that meant it was all over, of all days to get confirmation that you will not be a mother anytime soon, REALLY on mothers day universe? REALLY??!!!! I spent the day crying on & off. I barely made it through lunch with the in - laws for several reasons. The cramping in my stomach was a constant reminder that things had not worked, H's parents don't know we are doing IVF for several reasons but mainly because they are older than my parents and H's Dad's health is not great and we don't want to cause them extra stress plus I have heard my mother in law speak of friends children doing IVF & it not working so don't think she is a believer & there is a religious issue too I'm a bit worried to raise. Easier to keep it from them as we don't need extra drama!
So there I was with my stomach cramps, sitting in a restaurant full of Mothers celebrating the fact they were Mothers. My in-laws then started chatting about such & such having a baby last Friday and this persons new grandchild etc etc etc..... I had to keep going to the bathroom as I was afraid I would break into tears at the table. Just had my cry in the bathroom like a good girl & lucky I do suffer allergies as that excuse comes in very handy at times like these.
In the past I have had bleeding and still been pregnant so H was still clinging to a shred of hope that may be the case this time although I knew it wasn't. Dr J told me on the day of transfer if I started bleeding to do a home test before I gave her a call. Well the following morning I did the test and as much as I was expecting it, only one lonely line showed up - the line that crushes any shred of hope you may have been clinging on to, the one that says - yep you are NOT pregnant.
I was expecting this result but it still hurts so very much. 5 full IVF cycles and 2 operations later and all I have to show is 2 miscarriages. I don't understand why this is so hard. I do not know what to do now. I have to be strong, I can't give up as we want this too much. Guess its just another call to Dr J to tell her the bad news then another meeting with her to discuss what went wrong and what to do now. Our anniversary trip for a 2 night get away is today and we both tried to use that as an excuse to get by, but after dinner that night we both broke down & had a good cry together in disappointment.
I was so naive when I started this road to IVF as I had NO idea what it would actually be like & the feelings & emotions it stirs in you, not being sexist but it is worse for the woman as she has all those crazy hormones running around her system as well screwing with her. Just need to grieve, revover, dust myself off & get back on this crazy emotional rollercoaster.
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