Many don't think before they speak & this article is helpful, sometimes just a simply empathetic sorry would be great............
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| MAYBE THIS ARTICLE WILL PREVENT YOU SUFFERING FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE! |
Knowing what to say or not say to someone coping with fertility struggles can be difficult, especially since she may not give you any clues. Plus, what’s comforting to one person might be hurtful to someone else. There’s no hard rule on infertility etiquette, but these tips, from both experts and real women struggling to get pregnant, may help.
The Importance of Empathy
Nobody knows the pain of infertility better than women who are going through it themselves. Take, for example, Amy Miller (not her real name), a public relations professional in San Francisco. Miller has experienced the impact of four rounds of unsuccessful infertility treatments — the first resulted in the loss of twins at 20 weeks, the second failed to take, the third resulted in a blighted ovum, and the fourth also failed to take — all while “dozens of our friends, family, and other people around us popped out babies like it was the easiest thing in the world,” she says.Miller’s first piece of advice for people who know someone facing infertility is just to say something. “Even if you don’t know what to say, simply saying ‘I’m sorry’ is better than saying nothing at all,” she says. “People wanted to give us our space, but that just made us feel more isolated.”
Sarah Smith (not her real name), an entrepreneur in New York City who has been dealing with infertility for a year and a half, agrees. “I just want a little empathy — a ‘That sucks’ or even ‘At least you can still have a beer,’” she says. “I would rather they try to relate than not say anything.”
Mary Hinckley, MD, a reproductive endocrinologist at the Reproductive Science Center in the San Francisco Bay area, also stresses the importance of acknowledging a situation as life-altering as infertility. “At some point, the fertile friend should address the issue in private by telling her friend struggling with infertility that she cannot begin to understand how hard it is but that she is available to talk about the situation,” Hinckley says.
Beyond lending an ear, Dr. Hinckley also recommends spending quality time with your friend. “Get a baby-sitter for your kids, and go out to a movie or to dinner or join a jogging club or yoga class together,” she suggests. “Psychological studies show that distraction can sometimes be the best strategy for infertility sadness in the short term.”
Infertility Faux Pas
Equally important is knowing what not to say to a friend facing an infertility struggle. Prevent foot-in-mouth disease by steering clear of these dialogue disasters:Have you tried _____? “I hate when people start asking me: ‘Have you had this test? Have you tried acupuncture? Have you had your husband’s sperm tested?’” says Smith. “Yes, we’ve had the tests, and, yes, we are exploring our options. I would rather not discuss the details of infertility treatments unless you have real expertise on the subject. It’s so annoying and, frankly, insensitive.”
Hinckley says offering advice may make the recipient feel like the advice giver doesn’t think she is smart or motivated enough to seek help. “However, if the friend facing infertility is feeling lost or depressed or doesn’t know what to do or what is normal, asking open-ended questions and listening may be the best thing you can offer,” she says.
I’m pregnant! Yay! “If you become pregnant yourself, be careful about how you tell a person who’s dealing with infertility,” Miller says. “We had some friends who denied a pregnancy when we noticed a baby’s room during a visit to their home and then called us all chipper a few days later to break the news, which was hurtful. Another friend called my husband and calmly said, ‘We wanted to tell you we are expecting, and we hope it’s not awkward for you,’ which was a much more sensitive way to handle it.”
Here — hold the baby! “If a friend undergoing infertility treatment is strong enough to visit you after you’ve given birth, don’t shove the baby in her arms,” Miller says. “Instead, ask if she wants to hold the baby, and be understanding of the fact that her reaction might be different from that of someone who is not dealing with infertility.”
It will all work out.
Hinckley says that "dismissive statements such as these can minimize the pain and sadness of someone who is going through infertility treatment." Also not sensitive is "suggesting they ‘go on vacation and just have sex every day.'"
It’s better if you just move on. “You should never tell someone facing infertility that they should just get over it,” Miller says. “They will get that feedback from support groups filled with people going through the same infertility struggles.”
Overall, when it comes to infertility etiquette, it’s best to step into the shoes of your friend and try to understand how you would feel if you were faced with certain comments, says Fran Praver, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Locust Valley, N.Y., and author of The New Science of Love: How Understanding Your Brain's Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship. “Would you want to hear a friend complain about a past pregnancy, push adoption, or tell you to relax?” she asks. Think about what would make you feel hurt versus what would make you feel understood and supported if you were the one facing infertility, she suggests. Such empathy is key to maintaining the relationship.
On a positive note, Miller says that if any good has come from her infertility struggle, it’s that it has taught her and her husband to express more of the empathy they crave from others. “We are able to more sensitively talk to people dealing with death and other losses in their lives,” she says. “So, in that way, infertility has made us better people.”
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