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| So my heart is slowly mending..... |
Since everything that has happened these past few months I have not been able to touch the blog, to write down what happened & how I was feeling & going through was just way too hard & upsetting.
So if you read the blog you know we were doing a cycle with donor eggs, everything went really well and after 2 weeks my blood test came back positive, we were thrilled but a little cautious as we had been here before. The Second blood test came back with all the levels rising and everything looking great & our first scan appointment was made. Apart from being thrilled & excited I was relieved, that all this struggling to have a family was finally over & we were on our way. We couldn't wait to tell our families and the 3 month mark would be up just after Leigh's birthday at the end of October. I also thought what a happy Christmas this would be as I would be 4.5 months pregnant and knowing that next Christmas our little one would be here.
Everything was going great, I had no morning sickness, my sleep had improved and my health for those couple of weeks was great. The day before the first scan I went to the bathroom to discover I was bleeding & started to panic & cry "not again'. I phoned Dr J's rooms and she wanted to see me straight away and do the scan one day early. My heart was beating so fast with dread that it made it hard for Dr J to do the scan but once I had settled, it was all good news. Some type of blood vessel had burst & that's what the blood was, but all was good & I got to see our little foetus on screen & pictures to take home.
Boy I slept well that night after that scare, a week later I started to have some light bleeding again and just to be on the safe side called Dr J who had me come in the next morning. We both tried to convince ourselves everything would be OK as it had been last time but I still felt sick with dread something had gone wrong. This was confirmed when Dr J was doing the scan and she said " I'm so sorry guys but there's nothing there, you've miscarried ". I amazingly made it out of her rooms without crying and hubby took care of all the paperwork for the D & C they had scheduled the following day. (Dr J wanted to be able to test for any abnormalities etc...)
When we got home we both just threw ourselves on the bed & cried at the same time for about an hour, not able to speak. I couldn't imagine how anything could feel worse than this & at that moment decided I really didn't want to go on. The D & C the next day was awful, every time a nurse came to do paperwork or discuss my procedure I would break down (I hate crying in front of people). I woke up from the procedure with the worst stomach pain imaginable and told the nurses who slipped something in my drip and made that pain at least, better.
I saw my therapist who upped my anti depressant to be on the safe side as my mood was so low, I hoped each week I would feel better but each week things got a little bit worse. Crying was about the only thing I did and my mood just swung between sadness & anger. I couldn't concentrate so my on line business got put on hold practically, nor could I read. I took comfort in sleeping as many hours as I could so I didn't have to be awake and think about it all. The rest of the time I just watched TV shows that were easy to follow and provided some distraction. We had plans to go away for hubby's birthday which we could not cancel & also he had a work trip to Sydney - being away for a few days each time made things a little better but as soon as I returned home, things were just the same if not worse.
We saw Dr J and all the tests came back normal, it was a girl & there were no abnormalities so I was just the 1 in 3 of women who miscarry for no reason. The news was good meaning there was no abnormalities with our embryos but knowing I had lost a little girl made it all seem more real and worse. We talked to Dr J about doing a frozen cycle in December and she started me on all the medications and we were set to go. However a few days into the medication and about 12 days out from transfer I began to worry. I didn't think I could do another round because if the same thing happened again there was no way I could cope. The fear of that happening mixed in with my current emotional state was just to much to handle. We discussed things and agreed to take a break and try again when I was feeling stronger.
My mood kept getting worse and having had depression before I knew that 8 weeks after the miscarriage I should not be feeling so bad, I should be starting to feel better. In mid December things got really bad, bad enough I wanted to take my own life & I even made a feeble attempt at doing this. I knew I needed help so I asked for it, I went to hospital a few days later where I was taken off the anti depressant I was on and placed on a new one & given something for my anxiety. I wont bore you with the details of my week in hospital except to say I hated being there but knew I needed to be & in the end it did help.
Christmas felt quite sombre, I didn't send any cards and all I could think about was how far along in the pregnancy I would have been. Hubby had 2 weeks off and we spent some quality time together, feeling a bit better we watched movies, went swimming nothing earth shattering but things I hadn't been able to do in a long time. I also took a book to hospital to see if I could get my concentration back and start reading again. It worked and since I left hospital have been back to reading my usual book per week pretty much. I also spent a lot of time in the past 2 weeks fixing up my on line site & taking inventory, photographing & listing things for sale again.
I also decided it was time to lose this excess weight I have gained in the past 3 years from depression & the 10 IVF treatments, I started eating healthy etc... and have already lost some weight. I also think I will go ahead with a surgery to help me lose the weight quicker and keep it off. I didn't want to do another round of IVF until I had lost a significant amount of the weight before going back to see Dr J, that way it was another factor that can cause problems we could rule out. We decided to take a break for a year to give me time to get healthy & fit again. We then started talking about going away as we have not had a proper holiday in nearly 8 years. We are discussing places to go (Europe as we've never been is winning at present!) we have to save up etc... so the trip would not be till most likely Sept 2014.
So at present the plan is to get fit & healthy, save up for & look forward to this break then try a frozen cycle of IVF when we get back from our trip. The thought of not actively trying for a baby for 18 months or more does scare me. For the past 3 years that's what my whole life has been about. I feel pangs of sadness when I hear of others pregnancies knowing they will have a child before me but its the decision & plan we've made and I think its the right one as the thought of suffering another miscarriage still terrifies me and hopefully after that time lapse, my fears wont be as bad.
So its time to get back to being just me/us again for the time being. I feel a little hopeless and think we will never have a family, hubby still has faith. So for now its a long break to get everything back to normal & possibly even better than before with me & maybe after that break we will finally get our longed for baby.
