And The Darkest Hour is Just Before Dawn

28 April 2012

Its raining and I can't get back to sleep, this past week has not been a good one & part of me thinks I should just keep it to myself, the other says, when you started writing this blog you wanted to always be honest.

This week has been a pretty horrendous one. Monday H & I had a massive argument (not making excuses but my end had extra fuel on the fire caused due to coming off the hormone treatments) & I said some pretty horrible things & didn't like some things he said to me. I got a migraine from the stress of this & the hormones. I hate fighting, I detest it because I grew up around it constantly. Nearly everyday there were raised voices & verbal attacks and on really good days things turned violent BUT that's a whole other blog which I will get around to writing one day but some of it is just to painful to think about.

I was sick of yelling & trying to get my point heard so I gathered a hand full of belongings & relocated to the spare bedroom (which is still NOT a nursery & of course was the mature thing to do!!) I proceeded to bang around the house & slam doors & if H tried to speak to me I just cut him off, I was past angry and just too hurt. I called the after hours Doctor as I needed a shot of some kind for my migraine (funny screaming & crying doesn't help migraines).

I sobbed until the Dr came then went to bed in the spare room, H asked me to come back but I told him in no uncertain terms no & if I had a really good friend close by I would leave & stay there. My childhood & the way I was raised did not give me very good relationship examples or conflict resolution ones. I have done so much work in this area and 90% of the time I no longer run away when the going gets tough, but Monday night, that was all I could do. I was devastated about our donor cycle being cancelled then the stupid argument we had & things that were said were all just too much.

Luckily this is a 2 cat house & one came of her own free will to the spare room with me and licked away the tears that fell off the tip of my nose. The shot started to help the pain but I had a bad nights sleep & when I did sleep I just had nightmares. I always believe you shouldn't go to bed angry but that night, that is what I did. I was looking forward to a day of solitude the following day when I woke to find H had not gone to work & was lying in bed sick himself now. I was past anger & asked if he needed my help or to go to the Dr? I told him what medication to take for his symptoms and if no better we would go up the Dr later that day.

Then H broke the ice & apologised (obviously he is the bigger of the 2 of us but in fairness I was surprised at his being unwell and not sure when to bring the subject up as both of us were physically unwell). H told me he was sorry for some of the things he had said and for not talking to me more about some of the other things. I apologised too and ended up in tears again as the root of the problem was infertility plain & simple. This is what people warn you about & why people say their marriages ended due to it. I thought NO scratch that, think we are a very strong couple & have overcome a lot of things together & always put the work in or seen a counsellor if needed. In particular due to things that happened to me growing up I have racked up many hours talking to a therapist & learning new behaviours.

Yesterday was the first day this week I wasn't totally exhausted & wanting to sleep on & off all day because I couldn't cope well. The fog is slowly lifting although I am still in a lot of pain due to the cycle being cancelled, to be so close then to have the rug ripped out from under you was so hard to deal with & more so as I stupidly never expected it & someone with my past experiences should have.

I tried to call my donor yesterday to see how she was doing but only got her voice mail & never heard back, I'm hoping she's just busy with her kids & not read my posts on here and making a beeline away from us! I wanted to check how she was doing & let her know I have an appointment with Dr J to discuss the next cycle and get dates etc... on Wed 2 May.

IT really gets so hard at times as apart from H I have no support in real life. My mother knew we were doing IVF & she was supportive in she wanted a grandchild but unsupportive in her comments such as during one miscarriage, telling me it was for the best as I didn't want a retarded baby. I ended up telling her we were taking a break & when she asks I tell her we are still on a break (again the relationship with my mother is a WHOLE other blog & too hard to deal with right now, I have dealt with a lot of it in therapy of the years but there is still unresolved issues & its hard when she wont admit to her part or attend a session with you).

I have some great forum friends & was brave enough to go for a lunch with other egg donors & recipients & hit it off really well with one lady in particular all were lovely but  I just had that extra specal connectnn with this on perosn).I was able to have a great chat with her about who down I felt & it was nice to speak to another female who understood.  also have some wonderful twitter friends all people I don't know apart from one or two who I have met up with.They have been so supportive with their tweets and it really helps lift my spirits. You all know who you are so thank you. My best friend who understand me really well lives in the USA & although we can skype & email I would love it if she were here.

Oh the other thing that got me today was we were told by our Dr that the cycle being cancelled would be OK and no charges etc... apart from medications& appointments. Today the clinic called and want to charge us a $1500 cancellation fee? For what I might ask? The hospital wasn't even booked so we told them what our Dr sad & we are having them look into. The clinic made so many mistakes this cycle and at the end of the day all they did was dispense out medications (incorrectly).

I think that's everything I had on my mind. Its 2am so I should go back to bed & try to get some sleep.

Hopefully good positive posts to follow, I did feel when this cycle got cancelled the universe was trying to tell me something & maybe not meant to be a mother but that's just crazy. H & I love kids so much & are pretty great with them. I'm sure someway we will get the outcome we so greatly want & desire. Having a family just means the world to us both.

And donor cyle 1 is a bust... BOO HOO

23 April 2012

Where do I begin? I have been in such a haze since Friday I couldn't even bring myself to write about what was happening & how I was feeling. By the title of this post you can see that this first donor round has been cancelled & I'm devastated.

Dr J said Monday that Friday would be D day as to whether we pulled the pin or not. My donor had lots of small eggs and if they had not grown by the increased dose of medication by Friday that would be it, if we kept going after that on a higher dose again, then the eggs get old & quality deteriorates.

So I had pretty much been wringing my hands all week & hoping for the best outcome for us all as I know our donor is as keen to do this cycle as we are. My sleep had been a bit off this past week with some worrisome thoughts crossing my mind but I stayed positive & hoped for a good outcome. It's a difficult situation as no one is responsible for the way IVF can work & there is nothing any of us could do to make it work.

I spoke with my donor on the way to her scan Friday morning and we were both hopeful, she rang me after the scan to tell me 3 eggs had grown but only one was good enough for egg pick up & the rest had stayed small. My stomach sank as I was pretty sure Dr J would have bad news when she got the scan report. My donor felt bad & was apologising & I told her not to be silly as there was nothing she could have done to change this. I thought I was OK then about 10 minutes later I found myself sobbing at the thought of the cycle being cancelled and the embryo transfer that was only a week away was now gone. I rang H at work to try to tell him what was happening but all I could do was cry. I had a panic attack of sorts & had to take some anti anxiety medication which  have not had to take in a long time & exhausted myself to the point of falling asleep.

Dr J called later that day to confirm that the cycle was cancelled and have a brief chat about what the plan should be for next time. H came home & there were more tears, tears as I was angry at myself that I have crap eggs & can't do this on my own like normal couples can. I even wondered if I should ask Dr J should I do one more cycle with my eggs? (pretty silly seeing 9 haven't worked or resulted in miscarriage but when you are upset, straws are what we cling to).

Its amazing what stress & upset does to the body. Since Friday night I have slept a lot & when I am awake I can't concentrate to watch television or read. I tried to get out of the house Saturday & get some fresh air so H & I headed off for a drive, we made it round the block when I said lets go home, this is just not a good idea. I felt like I was trapped underwater & just couldn't get out. A short shopping trip didn't help Sunday morning and exhausted and still crying at the drop of a hat I went back to bed. They say it takes all sorts & I think under most circumstances I'm fairly strong with some of the things I have had to face in my life but this feeling of my own failure coupled with coming off all the hormones I'd been on turned me into a very emotional creature.

I know we are going to try again in about 4 - 6 weeks time when Dr J says we can start the medication again & my donor will be given a higher dose. Its all the silly things that upset, especially a transfer date being so close & unlike the pattern of failure my cycles had turned into, I was feeling nothing but positive about this cycle & didn't envision any problems. I was so positive this would go ahead and I would have a positive pregnancy test by our wedding anniversary and that I would have passed the 12 week mark by my 40th birthday & be ale to tell everyone on my birthday.

Even more than that I was just thinking of all the nice things I had always envisioned us doing with our child someday.

I think I'm slowly coming up from underwater, tonight I was able to watch & concentrate on some television & felt strong enough to sit & write about how I've been feeling.

Feeling hot hot hot - a laugh at my expense

AN EMBARRASSING BUT FUNNY TALE

If you don't like personal & embarrassing stories - quit reading NOW!!!

All these blog posts are mainly so angst ridden & full of drama I thought I would share a funny (but cautionary tale) and a laugh at my expense!

Poor down south, in the past 2 years she has been poked & prodded with so many things (& not of the fun variety, she doesn't want to have fun, she just wants to be left in peace!)

When I went for my scan on Monday, I got Dr J to do my regular pap for me. This is always something that has been extremely painful & uncomfortable for me. Dr J prepared & went to get a speculum when I was told there were none in the warmer (never knew there was such a thing as a speculum warmer!) I said that OK but Dr J insisted on warming one for me under the tap as we chatted away. Ready, set, go & I braced myself for the pain that comes but this time it was a really weird pain when I suddenly yelped OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW HOT HOT HOT! Dr J whipped that sucker out as quick as could be then all I could do was burst into hysterical laughter.

Dr J was apologising profusely saying it felt alright yet all I could do was laugh & try to spit out that it's always painful but I've never had a burning pain like that before & I was sorry I screamed. In the end both of us were behind the curtain killing ourselves laughing. Anyway when the deed was done it didn't feel half as bad, compared to the first burning hot one.

My poor vay jay jay - hasn't she been through enough with out being seared.

There you go - an embarrassing story I'm sharing here in the hope someone may get a laugh....

Talk about feeling hot, hot, hot......

H did offer to blow on it later, to which I replied it was not a bowl of soup :-)

The Land of Limbo (& not the fun dance!)

THE TROUBLE WITH TOO MANY EGGS....

Thurs 19 April 2012

Its 3am & I can't sleep!

It has been a funny time this past almost 2 weeks. Firstly the medications I'm taking which I've never taken all together at once before are not overly agreeing with me. The Synarel which is a nasal spray & taken morning & night tastes horrible and makes me quite headachey. The progynova tablets are 3 times a day and think they are contributing to my feeling off & headachey as well. Add to that mix the prednisone steroid I take in the morning and that makes me feel very warm for several hours. I also feel very emotional - almost like the seven dwarfs (but I don't remember one called teary!!) grumpy & sleepy are two that come to mind (I don't think there was a stressed or a ravenous either!!)

I think doing a full IVF cycle with the injections was easier, the worst part was the needles but the medications didn't have any side effects on me.

So whats with all the eggs?? Well follicles is the official term. My lovely donor went to have her first scan last Friday 13 April (the date should have been a warning to us both) and although small, she had 27 follicles, whoa - that's a lot.

We both had scans on Monday 16th April and my scan was perfect as in my lining was all good & looking fabulous for an embryo to go back shortly. The kicker is everyone is in limbo land as we may not have any embryos.......

My poor donor's scan showed she had even more follicles (33 I think now) still of a small size (largest were 6-8 mm - you want them round 16mm approx) & to top it off she's feeling bloated which all does not look very good. Dr J has increased her medication to see if we can make the follicles bigger BUT with so many we may have to pull the pin for fear of her getting OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome - which can be a nasty business).

I felt sick to my stomach for several reasons, firstly I felt awful that this process could be making my donor sick & I do not want anything to happen to endanger her health & well being in ANY way, as much as I want a family I don't want it at someone else's expense & she has 2 small children & fiance to think of & I just felt awful that this could be making her ill.

If the pin gets pulled and egg pick up does not go ahead, well I would be lying if I said I didn't feel down about that (& my donor is just as impatient as I am & know she would too even though all this is beyond her control & there is nothing she could do to prevent this happening). Of course I too thought about taking medication for nearly two weeks that has made me feel awful for no reason. I came home from Dr J feeling sad & sorry in my hormonally medicated state. I just couldn't do anything all afternoon. I was too upset to cry but also too upset to actually do anything productive like read etc.... I pottered around and eventually just bottling it all up for about 4 hours made me so exhausted I fell asleep. I felt exactly the same as when the cycles I had done didn't go to plan, fear & dread.

Silly me, I forgot what a demon, evil witch IVF is. After 9 rounds battling this monster of a thing I should have known better right??  I thought my donor would have an easy cycle where everything would go to plan, my medications would be easier than injections, egg pick up would go to schedule & 5 days later we would be transferring a lovely embryo back. HA HA HA IVF never goes to plan so I was clearly having delusions.

My donor (who I keep calling my donor as I want to keep this anonymous) & I had a great chat & laugh on Monday night. I felt better knowing she didn't feel too sick, just bloated. She's having a hard time with the needles as braver than I, she decided to give them to herself (that was H's job in this house - I got to shaky to inject myself). If this does get cancelled I feel just a bad that she has had all these needles for nothing.

So we all sit in a holding pattern till Friday, waiting to see what the scan shows & to see if we are going ahead or not. IF we are going ahead egg pick up could be next Monday or Wednesday says Dr J. Nothing in particular on my mind tonight so I don't know why I can't sleep - maybe getting this out of my head & written down will help.

Let's see what Friday brings....................

PS

If none of this post makes sense it is 3.30am!!

Ready, Set, GO!

Wed 11 April 2012

Well just a medical post really!!

Rang Dr J yesterday to tell her my donor had started her medication yesterday & what should I do? Dr J sent me off for a blood test ASAP. I hate blood tests because I'm one of those people that only certain, experienced professionals can draw blood from. The rest have a million jabs (well you get the idea) use heat packs and then go between my knuckles or somewhere just as painful!!

We have a pathology place we go to where three of the staff can get blood from me no problem & think I'm an easy patient BUT there have been occasions NONE of them are on & I get someone who can't do it!!  So I drove up yesterday praying that one of the 3 would be there as I wasn't in the mood to be slapped & prodded!! Hallelujah as one of the ladies that can get my vein first go was on & like the other 2 gives a brilliant needle that you can hardly feel it when she says 'Sharp sting coming'.

Had a chat with my gorgeous Angel and she is going well on her medication, just mentioned a bruise on her stomach and I told her that unfortunately comes with it. We (as always) had a great ole chat then Dr J called to say I was right to start my medication. Woo Hoo lets get this party started!! I had my first Synarel nasal spray last night (I forgot how revolting the taste going down the back of your throat is), my first progynova tablet (have never taken these before) & back on the prednisone steroid for my natural killer cells issue.

I forgot I had taken the prednisone when H remarked what a cool night it was last night, I had to disagree as I was covered in a a light sweat and felt warm then I realised - the steroids. This time I'm on half the dose I started with last time (then it will increase once I have my transfer) but I remember last time how for several days I burned up & had the air conditioner & fan on with an ice pack on my head as well. Last night was uncomfortable but the cooler weather does make it a little easier to contend with.

Then going for a blood test so urgently as Dr J sent me for ended up being a big waste of time as AF came late last night/early this morning. A needle I could have got out of!!!

As a follow up on yesterdays post, I asked Dr J's receptionist who I should speak to at the clinic about last weeks disaster. She wanted to know more & told me to email her & she would tell Dr J as Dr J is a clinic director. When Dr J called me that afternoon with my blood results I was told how unimpressed she was and that the scientist who saw H & I is not even qualified to speak to clients so why on earth was she sent in to us? Dr J was going to be following up with the specific department heads & letting them know what happened.

So very excited. My donor will be on her medication for approx 10 - 12 days then egg pick up could be as early as Friday 20 April or sometime shortly there after. Then 5 days after that hopefully I have a little super embryo on board.

Please, please be the ONE.

WHY does bad always come with good??

Tuesday 10 April 2012

Last Monday we went up to our clinic to sign the millions of consent forms we need to sign each time we do IVF & of course pay them a truckload of money. I wonder if companies really understand that there staff are the face of the company and how one bad experience can make you walk?

Having 9 Cycles under our belt and been a customer of the clinic since early 2010 we know many of the staff & they are great, friendly & helpful. Unfortunately last Monday NONE of those staff were around!!

When you have an appointment with one of the nurses they always come to the waiting room and get you say come on through & have a chat, last week the nurse J walked to the waiting room door and decided polite formalities were a waste of time & waved us in like we were a plane about to land on an air strip. We got in the room and had to ask for a drink which is normally always offered then go through the paperwork & ask questions about how we get the medications down to my donor (had the courier info been arranged as we asked) & had the ultrasound clinics near my donor who's info she & I had provided them with weeks ago been checked & were they suitable for her to have her scans at?

A big sigh & a no was what we got. I was then told the ultrasound info would be in another nurses file to which I asked her to go & get it (not impressed by my asking this). While she went to do this incredibly hard job of getting the info they had been asked to get weeks ago a scientist was sent in to see us to address our other questions.

Great the 3 scientists we know there are all lovely and so helpful with all your questions & if they don't know the answer off the top of their head they go & check & come back to you in a few minutes. The door opened and in walked a young girl with too much eye make up & an annoying giggle. (I did an inner role but told myself to not judge on appearances). So we discussed with her that this was of course a donor egg cycle & every question we asked we got an 'I don't know'. When I asked a question she told me, that didn't have to be discussed now but could be discussed WHEN I WOKE UP FORM EGG COLLECTION. I LOST it - I told her I was not the one having egg collection and the donor we had been discussing for the past 20 minutes was. To which I got a giggly sorry. H just went deathly pale and I switched off as I was not going to cry in front of this stupid girl. I made peace a long time ago that I was getting help from someone else in the form of donor eggs but to have that said to me just bought home that this is the first cycle I wont be doing the egg collection process & made me feel like a total failure.

H couldn't take one more 'I don't know' and told her to go & find out the answers. Then cheery nurse J came back having done nothing about the ultrasound clinics and said anyone would be fine. I calmly told her anyone would not be fine, that is why Dr J asked us & to provide a choice of several clinics locally near my donor so the clinic could call and check if they did the exact type of scanning Dr J needed and were familiar with the whole process. Again the nurse blew me off and said clinic A would be fine & she would fax a referral to them. As Friday was Good Friday & my donor and I were taking out last pill that day we had to get the medications organised. I was given mine & told the clinic would phone with the cost of couriers (I found it hard to believe they didn't have costs as I am not the first person to have an interstate donor or for them to have a patient interstate that sees them).

I left very aggro at the attitudes & what had happened & also on the verge of tears about the comment about my waking up from egg pick collection. I dropped H back to work & I came home & just felt numb. H wanted to have a chat but I just couldn't speak and I couldn't cry either. When I feel hurt & numb like that I can only cope by going to bed & pulling the covers over my head & hoping sleep will provide some relief.

Late that day I got a call about the courier prices. I was told there was a SLIGHT difference in prices. OK - Courier A was $660 for same day delivery and courier B was $33.50 for overnight delivery. That's more than a slight difference and if I had known what a stuff up the medications were going to be I would have collected them myself in person to make sure everything was there & flown there & back in the same day for about $150. I of course chose the $33.50 courier although I was tried to be talked into the $660 one (again I could fly there & back for about $150 or less).

When the medications arrived my donor gave me a call & we were having a chat when she told me that she was missing the pen. The pen is exactly that! A pen with a changeable needle tip - you load the ampules of the medication in to it, dial your dosage. My Angel phoned the clinic when she saw this was missing on Wednesday & they express posted her one. (we better not be charged for that postage cost - I don't take kindly to paying for mistakes!!)



I will be phoning today to find out who is in charge and telling them about our experience & all the mistakes that were made and how heartbreaking thoughtless comments made can be.

On the positive side my donor called me Sunday very excited to see AF had come for her and she was starting her medication yesterday. I'm still waiting and if it does not show will go for a blood test no doubt to see where I am at. So its all started and for that we are very excited.