This is a personal post. I felt a little down yesterday then ended up in tears late last night before bed.
Since our last IVF cycle ended with a negative result on 1 Dec 2011, I've been on a break. Partly because we had to find a donor & partly because I was physically & emotionally drained. I just could not take the pain of another negative result or miscarriage as each one just hurt more than the previous. I had also lost my hope, I would try to be positive but when I first started I would daydream about phoning people & telling them the good news, buying baby clothes, setting up the nursery, going for the ultrasounds - I would be looking forward to so much but in the last few cycles, although I stayed positive I just couldn't allow myself to have those daydreams anymore.
Finding out we would need to find an egg donor was difficult news to take at first (as I'm sure any of you imagine it would be), however I knew in my heart if that's what we had to do, we would do it. So I posted in on line forums searching for my angel and came to terms with being on a break from IVF & waiting for someone to respond to my plea for help.
The first month seemed so alien, no waiting to start certain medications etc.. for a cycle, I even felt a little guilty that I was not actively doing something to achieve our dream. Then our Angel donor found us and ever since then I have been on cloud 9. Apart from this fabulous gift she is giving us, I adore her to bits & we get on so well. A special person has come into my life & fate has looked after us.
From the moment our donor found us I have been so over the moon & so positive as soon as we did a cycle it would work & even started daydreaming again (I turn 40 in August & was already thinking about outfit options for my little celebration then stopped & thought 'you'll be pregnant so that dress may not fit etc...)
THEN I saw Dr J on 14 Mar & after all the technical stuff was discussed, I asked what my chances of this working were? Obviously I wasn't expecting a high five and a contract written in blood guaranteeing success & Dr J went through all the issues I have and finished by saying this is my best chance. (OK maybe I did expect that guarantee written in blood).
Maybe its because I'm hormonal waiting for AF to arrive any day but this planted the tiniest seed of doubt in my mind about this not working. I ignored it all day yesterday & kept pushing it to the back of my head & refused to acknowledge it. A male 'friend' who knows what we've been through however I do not discuss this with him anymore due to his lack of sensitivity sent me a text last night that upset me.
He & his partner have been trying for a baby for a year & each time they fall pregnant they miscarry so are now doing IVF too. I got a text from him about 2 weeks ago all excited saying we're pregnant. It was not jealousy as I'm not that type of person but I did think, maybe after all you know we have been through - you could keep that news to yourself until you are past the 12 week mark. I sent a text saying that was good news but I wouldn't say congratulations until the passed the 12 week milestone.
Last night I got a text from him about possibly going to a show with H & I in Oct/Nov - the text was along the lines of "let me know the dates the show is on but our due date is 29 Oct so may not be able to go". This upset me, why? Because they have not even had their first scan & they have never had a pregnancy last more than 2 weeks - why through things like due dates in my face with their track record & what I'm going through. It's not he's a super positive person or anything like that, he is just very insensitive & that is why I hardly see him anymore. This is the guy that when I was suffering my first miscarriage called round as he was coming to a show with us for H's birthday & upon arrival asked me if "I was still knocked up?"
So for the first time in ages I felt fear last night, I'm actually scared to start IVF again I realised. I want to do it & have not changed my mind at all but I'm just so scared to potentially expose myself to all that heartache & pain again after being without it for the past few months. Also the thought of a negative result or miscarriage fills me with dread. This break has made me so much stronger body & soul & ready to take this on. I just had a mini hormonal melt down & played that game that should be banned called 'What if?'
H listened & was wonderful, I had a good cry & got it all out of my system. This morning it all seems better again, to quote the Lily Allen song I guess I was just taken over by the fear...............
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