New donor, New Cycle, New Hope

So here I am about to embark on my 10th IVF cycle but this time things are very different.

Since my last post I met the most amazing donor, Super donor D has been a godsend and all because I couldn't take the forums and all there rules anymore I put a post on twitter with a link to my last post and Super donor D answered my desperate plea.

Super Donor D is from Victoria so we met for the first time in July and went through all the obligatory appointments and counselling, besides all that we just clicked and I really liked her and was looking forward to her trip back for the egg pick up as she was one cool chick.

After my previous donor experience I was a little scared Super Donor D would pull out but she did her best to reassure me she wouldn't. Next thing you know it was August and we were both taking our medications and getting ready to cycle.

Which brings me up to yesterday, egg pick up day. Boy it felt so strange not being the one to go & have this procedure. 14 eggs were collected and we find out the fertilisation numbers today. I'm excited & anxious at the same time to see how the week progresses and what happens with the embryos as I'm praying for some to freeze.

My transfer is scheduled for Saturday 8th Sept and this 2 week wait is going to kill me having to wait to find out if we've been successful or not.

Please give us the chance to be parents

Ever since the day I met my now husband it was our dream to have a family. We met in 1996 & married in 1999. I feel so lucky to have married someone I think of as my best friend & we have a wonderful loving relationship. 4 years ago (2007) we knew we were at a stage in our lives where we were ready to start the family wealways dreamed of having. Little did we know or expect that we would face such a challenge trying to make this dream a reality.We are in our mid/late Thirties (Me 39 and DH 38) and live in Brisbane. DH works full time & due to the timetables and stress IVF/ICSI has caused I no longer work full time, but run a small online business from home. We are a fit and healthy couple. We’ve been trying to conceive since 2007 & then in 2009 we had some medical tests done that showed DH had sperm quality issues & I suffered PCOS & that IVF/ICSI was our only chance to conceive.Unfortunately we have had a very tough journey starting fromMarch 2010 & completing 9 full stimulation cycles of IVF/ICSI & 1 IUI. To improve our chance’s trying donor sperm was suggested & we have done three cycles using that. It has been a physical & emotional rollercoasteras we have endured the pain of suffering 4 early miscarriages. Realising your dream then to have it snatched away from you, just made us realise even more how desperately we want to have a child in our lives. The losses did allow us for a short time, to realise the joy having a child would bring to our life. Over the course of the last 2 years we have realised that this journey is not about having a child, but about creating & becoming the little family we have always dreamed about. We have a wonderful life together with each other, our 2 cats & a lovely house with great family & friends. To have a child or children included in our lives would be the realisation of a dream we have been doing everything for, during the past 5 years. We have so much love to give & never imagined we would face an issue like this.We can’t even explain how much that a child of ours would be welcomed, cherished & loved. We have so much love we want to share with our child/children to be and we are now at the point where we need the assistance of a wonderfully generous Egg Donor to make this dream a reality.




If you are aged 18-35, are in good health & have a bmi under 34 (technichal stuff clinic told me to put down done, i didnt think it was necessary but on another site i had people over & under the age limit approach me, one with severe heriditary health problems & so on) have completed your family and are willing and able to help us achieve our dream please contact us via this site or twitter.site. If you wish to remain anonymous we will respect this and all future contact will be handled by our clinic here in Brisbane, however if you wish to meet we are open to that as well. We are in Brisbane & would prefer someone in Qld but are open to interstate donors. We will answer any questions and queries you have in order to help you reach you decision to select us & even if it is anon. We do ask one thing, that you are a genuine egg donor & have researched & know everythng that goes with this process & wont pull out when the going gets tough. Thank you for taking the time to read this.




It is very hard to know exactly what to say to stress how much we want a child or children as a part of our lives & have the family we have dreamed of. We sincerely mean every word we have written here & if you are at all considering helping us, please read my blog (link below) chronicling the path to parenthood we have travelled so far. We will make this dream of ours a reality, we just need your help. From the bottom of our hearts, would you please consider helping us.


TTC since 2007, 10 IVF/ICSI, 4 Miscarriages. Now hoping to find the golden egg with the help of an egg donor

Picking up the pieces and trying to start again

7 May 2012

So there has been a lot of mourning and thinking of the past almost week about where to from here, picking up the pieces you could say and boy where there a mess. Although we let someone in our life and they have hurt us badly we still want a family and we still need a donor (however if the previous donor had a change of heart I would have to say no as I couldn't go through that possible pain again).

We begin from scratch and try and find another donor, after what had happened my preference at the moment is anonymous but times heal all wounds and maybe someone will convince me to change my mind about that.

The past 6 days have been horrendous & painful. I can't believe any human being could put another through this kind of pain. But H & I are going to be strong and dust ourselves off and move on. Things happen for a reason and fate and that last situation was not meant to be for whatever reason.

Wish us luck as we start all over again. If you are aged between 18 -35 and feel you could be our donor please contact me through this blog contact button and if you wish to remain anonymous I will just pass you straight onto our clinic or just email asking for that info!

My original post about finding a donor last December 2011
http://pathtoparenthoodviaivf.blogspot.com.au/2011/12/time-to-make-big-change-with-help-of.html

Everything you need to know about our quest for a family is on this blog so if you want to get to see howmuch we want a child - just take a red back from the start.


Hoping you are out there somewhere.

My donor nightmare - a warning to all

COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN OF THE WORST KIND

2 May 2012

Well I know in these modern times its pretty cool to do anything via text, break up with your boyfriend, cancel plans with people at a minute's notice - seemingly anything goes and listed up all you potential egg donors out there - don't want to do it anymore for any reason - just send a text to your donor saying saying
"Im gona try send u an email in the next few days, just thoulg wld let u kno Im not ready to cycle again yet, sorry late noticebut though u shld know before ur app tomoz" (gotta love how the younger generatoin spell hey!! this is at 6.15pm to when its too late to phone your Dr and cancel the appointment.

H & I obvious reaction was what the hell is going on?? When we last spoke on Sunday she was all good to go & for me to get dates from my FS. What had happened? We had not had a fight or cross words? Her first cycle got cancelled big deal, its much better than the alternative then her ending up in hospital having her ovaries drained to OHSS.

Well today I spent the day in tears & H was not much better, I wrote the donor an email last night trying to get to the bottom of it all but heard nothing, I sent a text asking if she could read my email & respond before 9.30 am so I could let my Dr know what was  happening but nah nothing. I was so distraught I phoned the counsellor we had all out sessions with and she was in total shock & no it wasn't all my side as I read to her the text messages I had sent leading up to this & following. She was again in shock and thought this donor had presented as a good candidate but she was obviously wrong.
The counsellor suggested sending a text to her asking if we could have a chat, she didn't reply so I left her a message on the forums asking if we could have a chat (which - don't laugh the banned me for - like I care I have so many email addresses I can re-join to advertise or be back on there again tomorrow if I want!!)

I dont know even now what I did,  I just said all the things that I thought were the right things and made sure she knew no blame was placed on her as what was there to blame her for?? She can't help what happened with the medication.

So read the email  my responses below & take heed, you can pay all the money for everything you need your donor to do, they can sign all the paperwork and they can take something you say & twist it around into something to make a HUGE issue of IE: nothing.


Please be careful out there as I wold hate to see this happen to another donor so steer clear anyone who apppproaches you from Egg donation Australia, as they will find you on other sites advertising and poach you to come to their site which is a little mean girls club. They want you to jump through hoops & tell them your most intimate details then if you are deemed worthy, one of them may pick you to to donate too. Then take back her promise of donation.

On a serious not writing this has helped me feel stronger and take my power back. You give people the power to make you feel bad and at the end of the day what did I really do, nothing but be kind & generous and let someone into my heart. My journey will go on and thank god this happened now & before a child was involved. If what I have to offer in the way of friendship, support & care isnt enough for you - well it is for plenty others.

And The Darkest Hour is Just Before Dawn

28 April 2012

Its raining and I can't get back to sleep, this past week has not been a good one & part of me thinks I should just keep it to myself, the other says, when you started writing this blog you wanted to always be honest.

This week has been a pretty horrendous one. Monday H & I had a massive argument (not making excuses but my end had extra fuel on the fire caused due to coming off the hormone treatments) & I said some pretty horrible things & didn't like some things he said to me. I got a migraine from the stress of this & the hormones. I hate fighting, I detest it because I grew up around it constantly. Nearly everyday there were raised voices & verbal attacks and on really good days things turned violent BUT that's a whole other blog which I will get around to writing one day but some of it is just to painful to think about.

I was sick of yelling & trying to get my point heard so I gathered a hand full of belongings & relocated to the spare bedroom (which is still NOT a nursery & of course was the mature thing to do!!) I proceeded to bang around the house & slam doors & if H tried to speak to me I just cut him off, I was past angry and just too hurt. I called the after hours Doctor as I needed a shot of some kind for my migraine (funny screaming & crying doesn't help migraines).

I sobbed until the Dr came then went to bed in the spare room, H asked me to come back but I told him in no uncertain terms no & if I had a really good friend close by I would leave & stay there. My childhood & the way I was raised did not give me very good relationship examples or conflict resolution ones. I have done so much work in this area and 90% of the time I no longer run away when the going gets tough, but Monday night, that was all I could do. I was devastated about our donor cycle being cancelled then the stupid argument we had & things that were said were all just too much.

Luckily this is a 2 cat house & one came of her own free will to the spare room with me and licked away the tears that fell off the tip of my nose. The shot started to help the pain but I had a bad nights sleep & when I did sleep I just had nightmares. I always believe you shouldn't go to bed angry but that night, that is what I did. I was looking forward to a day of solitude the following day when I woke to find H had not gone to work & was lying in bed sick himself now. I was past anger & asked if he needed my help or to go to the Dr? I told him what medication to take for his symptoms and if no better we would go up the Dr later that day.

Then H broke the ice & apologised (obviously he is the bigger of the 2 of us but in fairness I was surprised at his being unwell and not sure when to bring the subject up as both of us were physically unwell). H told me he was sorry for some of the things he had said and for not talking to me more about some of the other things. I apologised too and ended up in tears again as the root of the problem was infertility plain & simple. This is what people warn you about & why people say their marriages ended due to it. I thought NO scratch that, think we are a very strong couple & have overcome a lot of things together & always put the work in or seen a counsellor if needed. In particular due to things that happened to me growing up I have racked up many hours talking to a therapist & learning new behaviours.

Yesterday was the first day this week I wasn't totally exhausted & wanting to sleep on & off all day because I couldn't cope well. The fog is slowly lifting although I am still in a lot of pain due to the cycle being cancelled, to be so close then to have the rug ripped out from under you was so hard to deal with & more so as I stupidly never expected it & someone with my past experiences should have.

I tried to call my donor yesterday to see how she was doing but only got her voice mail & never heard back, I'm hoping she's just busy with her kids & not read my posts on here and making a beeline away from us! I wanted to check how she was doing & let her know I have an appointment with Dr J to discuss the next cycle and get dates etc... on Wed 2 May.

IT really gets so hard at times as apart from H I have no support in real life. My mother knew we were doing IVF & she was supportive in she wanted a grandchild but unsupportive in her comments such as during one miscarriage, telling me it was for the best as I didn't want a retarded baby. I ended up telling her we were taking a break & when she asks I tell her we are still on a break (again the relationship with my mother is a WHOLE other blog & too hard to deal with right now, I have dealt with a lot of it in therapy of the years but there is still unresolved issues & its hard when she wont admit to her part or attend a session with you).

I have some great forum friends & was brave enough to go for a lunch with other egg donors & recipients & hit it off really well with one lady in particular all were lovely but  I just had that extra specal connectnn with this on perosn).I was able to have a great chat with her about who down I felt & it was nice to speak to another female who understood.  also have some wonderful twitter friends all people I don't know apart from one or two who I have met up with.They have been so supportive with their tweets and it really helps lift my spirits. You all know who you are so thank you. My best friend who understand me really well lives in the USA & although we can skype & email I would love it if she were here.

Oh the other thing that got me today was we were told by our Dr that the cycle being cancelled would be OK and no charges etc... apart from medications& appointments. Today the clinic called and want to charge us a $1500 cancellation fee? For what I might ask? The hospital wasn't even booked so we told them what our Dr sad & we are having them look into. The clinic made so many mistakes this cycle and at the end of the day all they did was dispense out medications (incorrectly).

I think that's everything I had on my mind. Its 2am so I should go back to bed & try to get some sleep.

Hopefully good positive posts to follow, I did feel when this cycle got cancelled the universe was trying to tell me something & maybe not meant to be a mother but that's just crazy. H & I love kids so much & are pretty great with them. I'm sure someway we will get the outcome we so greatly want & desire. Having a family just means the world to us both.

And donor cyle 1 is a bust... BOO HOO

23 April 2012

Where do I begin? I have been in such a haze since Friday I couldn't even bring myself to write about what was happening & how I was feeling. By the title of this post you can see that this first donor round has been cancelled & I'm devastated.

Dr J said Monday that Friday would be D day as to whether we pulled the pin or not. My donor had lots of small eggs and if they had not grown by the increased dose of medication by Friday that would be it, if we kept going after that on a higher dose again, then the eggs get old & quality deteriorates.

So I had pretty much been wringing my hands all week & hoping for the best outcome for us all as I know our donor is as keen to do this cycle as we are. My sleep had been a bit off this past week with some worrisome thoughts crossing my mind but I stayed positive & hoped for a good outcome. It's a difficult situation as no one is responsible for the way IVF can work & there is nothing any of us could do to make it work.

I spoke with my donor on the way to her scan Friday morning and we were both hopeful, she rang me after the scan to tell me 3 eggs had grown but only one was good enough for egg pick up & the rest had stayed small. My stomach sank as I was pretty sure Dr J would have bad news when she got the scan report. My donor felt bad & was apologising & I told her not to be silly as there was nothing she could have done to change this. I thought I was OK then about 10 minutes later I found myself sobbing at the thought of the cycle being cancelled and the embryo transfer that was only a week away was now gone. I rang H at work to try to tell him what was happening but all I could do was cry. I had a panic attack of sorts & had to take some anti anxiety medication which  have not had to take in a long time & exhausted myself to the point of falling asleep.

Dr J called later that day to confirm that the cycle was cancelled and have a brief chat about what the plan should be for next time. H came home & there were more tears, tears as I was angry at myself that I have crap eggs & can't do this on my own like normal couples can. I even wondered if I should ask Dr J should I do one more cycle with my eggs? (pretty silly seeing 9 haven't worked or resulted in miscarriage but when you are upset, straws are what we cling to).

Its amazing what stress & upset does to the body. Since Friday night I have slept a lot & when I am awake I can't concentrate to watch television or read. I tried to get out of the house Saturday & get some fresh air so H & I headed off for a drive, we made it round the block when I said lets go home, this is just not a good idea. I felt like I was trapped underwater & just couldn't get out. A short shopping trip didn't help Sunday morning and exhausted and still crying at the drop of a hat I went back to bed. They say it takes all sorts & I think under most circumstances I'm fairly strong with some of the things I have had to face in my life but this feeling of my own failure coupled with coming off all the hormones I'd been on turned me into a very emotional creature.

I know we are going to try again in about 4 - 6 weeks time when Dr J says we can start the medication again & my donor will be given a higher dose. Its all the silly things that upset, especially a transfer date being so close & unlike the pattern of failure my cycles had turned into, I was feeling nothing but positive about this cycle & didn't envision any problems. I was so positive this would go ahead and I would have a positive pregnancy test by our wedding anniversary and that I would have passed the 12 week mark by my 40th birthday & be ale to tell everyone on my birthday.

Even more than that I was just thinking of all the nice things I had always envisioned us doing with our child someday.

I think I'm slowly coming up from underwater, tonight I was able to watch & concentrate on some television & felt strong enough to sit & write about how I've been feeling.

Feeling hot hot hot - a laugh at my expense

AN EMBARRASSING BUT FUNNY TALE

If you don't like personal & embarrassing stories - quit reading NOW!!!

All these blog posts are mainly so angst ridden & full of drama I thought I would share a funny (but cautionary tale) and a laugh at my expense!

Poor down south, in the past 2 years she has been poked & prodded with so many things (& not of the fun variety, she doesn't want to have fun, she just wants to be left in peace!)

When I went for my scan on Monday, I got Dr J to do my regular pap for me. This is always something that has been extremely painful & uncomfortable for me. Dr J prepared & went to get a speculum when I was told there were none in the warmer (never knew there was such a thing as a speculum warmer!) I said that OK but Dr J insisted on warming one for me under the tap as we chatted away. Ready, set, go & I braced myself for the pain that comes but this time it was a really weird pain when I suddenly yelped OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW HOT HOT HOT! Dr J whipped that sucker out as quick as could be then all I could do was burst into hysterical laughter.

Dr J was apologising profusely saying it felt alright yet all I could do was laugh & try to spit out that it's always painful but I've never had a burning pain like that before & I was sorry I screamed. In the end both of us were behind the curtain killing ourselves laughing. Anyway when the deed was done it didn't feel half as bad, compared to the first burning hot one.

My poor vay jay jay - hasn't she been through enough with out being seared.

There you go - an embarrassing story I'm sharing here in the hope someone may get a laugh....

Talk about feeling hot, hot, hot......

H did offer to blow on it later, to which I replied it was not a bowl of soup :-)

The Land of Limbo (& not the fun dance!)

THE TROUBLE WITH TOO MANY EGGS....

Thurs 19 April 2012

Its 3am & I can't sleep!

It has been a funny time this past almost 2 weeks. Firstly the medications I'm taking which I've never taken all together at once before are not overly agreeing with me. The Synarel which is a nasal spray & taken morning & night tastes horrible and makes me quite headachey. The progynova tablets are 3 times a day and think they are contributing to my feeling off & headachey as well. Add to that mix the prednisone steroid I take in the morning and that makes me feel very warm for several hours. I also feel very emotional - almost like the seven dwarfs (but I don't remember one called teary!!) grumpy & sleepy are two that come to mind (I don't think there was a stressed or a ravenous either!!)

I think doing a full IVF cycle with the injections was easier, the worst part was the needles but the medications didn't have any side effects on me.

So whats with all the eggs?? Well follicles is the official term. My lovely donor went to have her first scan last Friday 13 April (the date should have been a warning to us both) and although small, she had 27 follicles, whoa - that's a lot.

We both had scans on Monday 16th April and my scan was perfect as in my lining was all good & looking fabulous for an embryo to go back shortly. The kicker is everyone is in limbo land as we may not have any embryos.......

My poor donor's scan showed she had even more follicles (33 I think now) still of a small size (largest were 6-8 mm - you want them round 16mm approx) & to top it off she's feeling bloated which all does not look very good. Dr J has increased her medication to see if we can make the follicles bigger BUT with so many we may have to pull the pin for fear of her getting OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome - which can be a nasty business).

I felt sick to my stomach for several reasons, firstly I felt awful that this process could be making my donor sick & I do not want anything to happen to endanger her health & well being in ANY way, as much as I want a family I don't want it at someone else's expense & she has 2 small children & fiance to think of & I just felt awful that this could be making her ill.

If the pin gets pulled and egg pick up does not go ahead, well I would be lying if I said I didn't feel down about that (& my donor is just as impatient as I am & know she would too even though all this is beyond her control & there is nothing she could do to prevent this happening). Of course I too thought about taking medication for nearly two weeks that has made me feel awful for no reason. I came home from Dr J feeling sad & sorry in my hormonally medicated state. I just couldn't do anything all afternoon. I was too upset to cry but also too upset to actually do anything productive like read etc.... I pottered around and eventually just bottling it all up for about 4 hours made me so exhausted I fell asleep. I felt exactly the same as when the cycles I had done didn't go to plan, fear & dread.

Silly me, I forgot what a demon, evil witch IVF is. After 9 rounds battling this monster of a thing I should have known better right??  I thought my donor would have an easy cycle where everything would go to plan, my medications would be easier than injections, egg pick up would go to schedule & 5 days later we would be transferring a lovely embryo back. HA HA HA IVF never goes to plan so I was clearly having delusions.

My donor (who I keep calling my donor as I want to keep this anonymous) & I had a great chat & laugh on Monday night. I felt better knowing she didn't feel too sick, just bloated. She's having a hard time with the needles as braver than I, she decided to give them to herself (that was H's job in this house - I got to shaky to inject myself). If this does get cancelled I feel just a bad that she has had all these needles for nothing.

So we all sit in a holding pattern till Friday, waiting to see what the scan shows & to see if we are going ahead or not. IF we are going ahead egg pick up could be next Monday or Wednesday says Dr J. Nothing in particular on my mind tonight so I don't know why I can't sleep - maybe getting this out of my head & written down will help.

Let's see what Friday brings....................

PS

If none of this post makes sense it is 3.30am!!

Ready, Set, GO!

Wed 11 April 2012

Well just a medical post really!!

Rang Dr J yesterday to tell her my donor had started her medication yesterday & what should I do? Dr J sent me off for a blood test ASAP. I hate blood tests because I'm one of those people that only certain, experienced professionals can draw blood from. The rest have a million jabs (well you get the idea) use heat packs and then go between my knuckles or somewhere just as painful!!

We have a pathology place we go to where three of the staff can get blood from me no problem & think I'm an easy patient BUT there have been occasions NONE of them are on & I get someone who can't do it!!  So I drove up yesterday praying that one of the 3 would be there as I wasn't in the mood to be slapped & prodded!! Hallelujah as one of the ladies that can get my vein first go was on & like the other 2 gives a brilliant needle that you can hardly feel it when she says 'Sharp sting coming'.

Had a chat with my gorgeous Angel and she is going well on her medication, just mentioned a bruise on her stomach and I told her that unfortunately comes with it. We (as always) had a great ole chat then Dr J called to say I was right to start my medication. Woo Hoo lets get this party started!! I had my first Synarel nasal spray last night (I forgot how revolting the taste going down the back of your throat is), my first progynova tablet (have never taken these before) & back on the prednisone steroid for my natural killer cells issue.

I forgot I had taken the prednisone when H remarked what a cool night it was last night, I had to disagree as I was covered in a a light sweat and felt warm then I realised - the steroids. This time I'm on half the dose I started with last time (then it will increase once I have my transfer) but I remember last time how for several days I burned up & had the air conditioner & fan on with an ice pack on my head as well. Last night was uncomfortable but the cooler weather does make it a little easier to contend with.

Then going for a blood test so urgently as Dr J sent me for ended up being a big waste of time as AF came late last night/early this morning. A needle I could have got out of!!!

As a follow up on yesterdays post, I asked Dr J's receptionist who I should speak to at the clinic about last weeks disaster. She wanted to know more & told me to email her & she would tell Dr J as Dr J is a clinic director. When Dr J called me that afternoon with my blood results I was told how unimpressed she was and that the scientist who saw H & I is not even qualified to speak to clients so why on earth was she sent in to us? Dr J was going to be following up with the specific department heads & letting them know what happened.

So very excited. My donor will be on her medication for approx 10 - 12 days then egg pick up could be as early as Friday 20 April or sometime shortly there after. Then 5 days after that hopefully I have a little super embryo on board.

Please, please be the ONE.

WHY does bad always come with good??

Tuesday 10 April 2012

Last Monday we went up to our clinic to sign the millions of consent forms we need to sign each time we do IVF & of course pay them a truckload of money. I wonder if companies really understand that there staff are the face of the company and how one bad experience can make you walk?

Having 9 Cycles under our belt and been a customer of the clinic since early 2010 we know many of the staff & they are great, friendly & helpful. Unfortunately last Monday NONE of those staff were around!!

When you have an appointment with one of the nurses they always come to the waiting room and get you say come on through & have a chat, last week the nurse J walked to the waiting room door and decided polite formalities were a waste of time & waved us in like we were a plane about to land on an air strip. We got in the room and had to ask for a drink which is normally always offered then go through the paperwork & ask questions about how we get the medications down to my donor (had the courier info been arranged as we asked) & had the ultrasound clinics near my donor who's info she & I had provided them with weeks ago been checked & were they suitable for her to have her scans at?

A big sigh & a no was what we got. I was then told the ultrasound info would be in another nurses file to which I asked her to go & get it (not impressed by my asking this). While she went to do this incredibly hard job of getting the info they had been asked to get weeks ago a scientist was sent in to see us to address our other questions.

Great the 3 scientists we know there are all lovely and so helpful with all your questions & if they don't know the answer off the top of their head they go & check & come back to you in a few minutes. The door opened and in walked a young girl with too much eye make up & an annoying giggle. (I did an inner role but told myself to not judge on appearances). So we discussed with her that this was of course a donor egg cycle & every question we asked we got an 'I don't know'. When I asked a question she told me, that didn't have to be discussed now but could be discussed WHEN I WOKE UP FORM EGG COLLECTION. I LOST it - I told her I was not the one having egg collection and the donor we had been discussing for the past 20 minutes was. To which I got a giggly sorry. H just went deathly pale and I switched off as I was not going to cry in front of this stupid girl. I made peace a long time ago that I was getting help from someone else in the form of donor eggs but to have that said to me just bought home that this is the first cycle I wont be doing the egg collection process & made me feel like a total failure.

H couldn't take one more 'I don't know' and told her to go & find out the answers. Then cheery nurse J came back having done nothing about the ultrasound clinics and said anyone would be fine. I calmly told her anyone would not be fine, that is why Dr J asked us & to provide a choice of several clinics locally near my donor so the clinic could call and check if they did the exact type of scanning Dr J needed and were familiar with the whole process. Again the nurse blew me off and said clinic A would be fine & she would fax a referral to them. As Friday was Good Friday & my donor and I were taking out last pill that day we had to get the medications organised. I was given mine & told the clinic would phone with the cost of couriers (I found it hard to believe they didn't have costs as I am not the first person to have an interstate donor or for them to have a patient interstate that sees them).

I left very aggro at the attitudes & what had happened & also on the verge of tears about the comment about my waking up from egg pick collection. I dropped H back to work & I came home & just felt numb. H wanted to have a chat but I just couldn't speak and I couldn't cry either. When I feel hurt & numb like that I can only cope by going to bed & pulling the covers over my head & hoping sleep will provide some relief.

Late that day I got a call about the courier prices. I was told there was a SLIGHT difference in prices. OK - Courier A was $660 for same day delivery and courier B was $33.50 for overnight delivery. That's more than a slight difference and if I had known what a stuff up the medications were going to be I would have collected them myself in person to make sure everything was there & flown there & back in the same day for about $150. I of course chose the $33.50 courier although I was tried to be talked into the $660 one (again I could fly there & back for about $150 or less).

When the medications arrived my donor gave me a call & we were having a chat when she told me that she was missing the pen. The pen is exactly that! A pen with a changeable needle tip - you load the ampules of the medication in to it, dial your dosage. My Angel phoned the clinic when she saw this was missing on Wednesday & they express posted her one. (we better not be charged for that postage cost - I don't take kindly to paying for mistakes!!)



I will be phoning today to find out who is in charge and telling them about our experience & all the mistakes that were made and how heartbreaking thoughtless comments made can be.

On the positive side my donor called me Sunday very excited to see AF had come for her and she was starting her medication yesterday. I'm still waiting and if it does not show will go for a blood test no doubt to see where I am at. So its all started and for that we are very excited.

Final Counselling Session, end of the red tape!

THE LAST SESSION WAS A JOINT ONE & MY DONOR WAS AT THERE VIA SKYPE TO SAVE A TRIP TO BRISBANE!

Tuesday 20th March 2012

To re-cap for those who may not have read my whole blog, when it comes to donation all up there are three counselling sessions required. One for H & I on our own to start, then one for my donor & her fiance on their own. Then there is what the call a 2 week cooling off period before we have the last session which is a joint one with all four of us.

As our donor does not live in Brisbane we arranged with the counsellor if the third session could be done with them phoning in & she suggested skype. Excellent, as this saved the guys flying up here for a 1 hour appointment.

I was excited & a little nervous, although our donor & I have had so many talks I still had a small amount of fear something may have happened to change her mind or maybe there were some things her our her fiance would only feel comfortable saying in front of the counsellor.

When we arrived for the session we had a brief chat before getting into the skype & our counsellor J told us that our donor was fabulous & one of the most amazing candidates she's ever met. I then told her what Dr J had told me about a couple pulling out at the last minute & how it had spooked me & she reassured me, in her opinion that would not happen here & explained a little more in detail what had happened with that couple & donor.

So we got skype going and there were our favourite couple (with a few cameos by their cute little boys!!) We started by seeing how each other was going and did we have any questions for each other that we had not discussed & the only thing my donor bought up was a question which was raised in counselling with the other couple she is helping after us. That question being the fact she has two boys, is she going to feel sad if I or her other donor have a girl? Her answer was no as she is very happy to have two healthy boys & that she is a bit of a tom boy herself & she would have no issue with me having a girl.

A few other things were raised but our donor & I have had so many chats via phone or email we had pretty much discussed these various things, the main topic being what would happen if a child does come out of this, how would the future look & what sort of contact did we wish to maintain.

Before I met our donor this scared me a little, after all we could meet someone who wanted to be a donor but not necessarily get on really well them with etc... & if they wanted a lot of future contact, would they want to act like they were the parent etc....?  The more we got to know our donor couple we couldn't believe how lucky we were she had found us & offered to donate but also how well we got on & that was cemented even further by the day we spent with them.

Our Angel & I had discussed staying friends on facebook so she could see photos as I no doubt would be posting many, emailing & talking on the phone still. She has the great attitude that she feels she is donating eggs & it is not giving her child away & doesn't want to be a parent to it. She also explained to me that pregnancy hormones can drive you crazy & if I was feeling 'funny' at all at any stage she understands.

We told them we would like them to have as much contact as they feel comfortable with, her family all know what she is doing & are very supportive where we have not told our families (mine I'm not sure would understand & H didn't even tell his parents we were doing IVF as he felt it was our business). Obviously she would like her boys to know at a certain age she has been a donor and they have half siblings. As they don't live in Brisbane we won't be seeing each other on a weekly basis but I said whenever they would be up this way they could come & visit & vice versa. We came up with how would they like to be just known as Auntie & Uncle & the boys could meet the baby/child & get to know them & us as Mum & Dad's special friends, then one day when they feel they are old enough explain about being a donor & helping other people have families & then letting the boys know they already know them.

We thought this was a great idea & I also suggested if they would like to, it might be nice for them to fly up for the birth of the baby (my Dr has already said I will have to have a c section due to the shape of my pelvis) so there will be a scheduled date & they could be here. I think it would be really nice for the both of us if we did that. I feel very close to my donor & think of her more as someone I've been lucky enough to meet & a new friend who is also going to help us have our family. I would love to stay in contact & she seems to want too as well. I don't feel threatened or like she is going to tell me how to be a parent.

We will also have to co-ordinate when both lots of children will be told so they can talk about it freely with each other as kids do.

The session not only went smoothly but was fun with the way all four of us get on. It was a shame to turn skype

So with all the red tape out of the way, we just had to wait for my AF to come so I could start the pill & officially start this cycle with our angel.

That Dreaded D Word - Doubt

This is a personal post. I felt a little down yesterday then ended up in tears late last night before bed.

Since our last IVF cycle ended with a negative result on 1 Dec 2011, I've been on a break. Partly because we had to find a donor & partly because I was physically & emotionally drained. I just could not take the pain of another negative result or miscarriage as each one just hurt more than the previous. I had also lost my hope, I would try to be positive but when I first started I would daydream about phoning people & telling them the good news, buying baby clothes, setting up the nursery, going for the ultrasounds - I would be looking forward to so much but in the last few cycles, although I stayed positive I just couldn't allow myself to have those daydreams anymore.

Finding out we would need to find an egg donor was difficult news to take at first (as I'm sure any of you imagine it would be), however I knew in my heart if that's what we had to do, we would do it. So I posted in on line forums searching for my angel and came to terms with being on a break from IVF & waiting for someone to respond to my plea for help.

The first month seemed so alien, no waiting to start certain medications etc.. for a cycle, I even felt a little guilty that I was not actively doing something to achieve our dream. Then our Angel donor found us and ever since then I have been on cloud 9. Apart from this fabulous gift she is giving us, I adore her to bits & we get on so well. A special person has come into my life & fate has looked after us.

From the moment our donor found us I have been so over the moon & so positive as soon as we did a cycle it would work & even started daydreaming again (I turn 40 in August & was already thinking about outfit options for my little celebration then stopped & thought 'you'll be pregnant so that dress may not fit etc...)

THEN I saw Dr J on 14 Mar & after all the technical stuff was discussed, I asked what my chances of this working were? Obviously I wasn't expecting a high five and a contract written in blood guaranteeing success & Dr J went through all the issues I have and finished by saying this is my best chance. (OK maybe I did expect that guarantee written in blood).

Maybe its because I'm hormonal waiting for AF to arrive any day but this planted the tiniest seed of doubt in my mind about this not working. I ignored it all day yesterday & kept pushing it to the back of my head & refused to acknowledge it. A male 'friend' who knows what we've been through however I do not discuss this with him anymore due to his lack of sensitivity sent me a text last night that upset me.

He & his partner have been trying for a baby for a year & each time they fall pregnant they miscarry so are now doing IVF too. I got a text from him about 2 weeks ago all excited saying we're pregnant. It was not jealousy as I'm not that type of person but I did think, maybe after all you know we have been through - you could keep that news to yourself until you are past the 12 week mark. I sent a text saying that was good news but I wouldn't say congratulations until the passed the 12 week milestone.

Last night I got a text from him about possibly going to a show with H & I in Oct/Nov - the text was along the lines of "let me know the dates the show is on but our due date is 29 Oct so may not be able to go". This upset me, why? Because they have not even had their first scan & they have never had a pregnancy last more than 2 weeks - why through things like due dates in my face with their track record & what I'm going through. It's not he's a super positive person or anything like that, he is just very insensitive & that is why I hardly see him anymore. This is the guy that when I was suffering my first miscarriage called round as he was coming to a show with us for H's birthday & upon arrival asked me if "I was still knocked up?"

So for the first time in ages I felt fear last night, I'm actually scared to start IVF again I realised. I want to do it & have not changed my mind at all but I'm just so scared to potentially expose myself to all that heartache & pain again after being without it for the past few months. Also the thought of a negative result or miscarriage fills me with dread. This break has made me so much stronger body & soul & ready to take this on. I just had a mini hormonal melt down & played that game that should be banned called 'What if?'

H listened & was wonderful, I had a good cry & got it all out of my system. This morning it all seems better again, to quote the Lily Allen song I guess I was just taken over by the fear...............

My Plan For First Donor Cycle

WED 14 Mar 2012

We saw Dr J today to find out what exactly I/We have to do for a donor cycle. Bit of a technical post this one!

The first step is to get my donor and my cycles in sync. My angel is already on the pill & I (of course) am not. So first thing is to wait for my next period to arrive which SHOULD be any day now (it never comes when you want it). I then start the pill and after 14 days on it for me, my donor & I will both stop taking it at the same time to bring on a period.

This time I have to do what is called a HRT cycle, on the first day I start Synarel nasal spray & progynova tablets (had synarel before & not a fan, the tablets I've never had). As I suffer from NK (natural killer) cells I will also start back on the steroid prednisone the same day (oh joy as last time they had me burning up, really made me feel like I was having a mid life crisis!) - please know that any complaints I make about the drugs are just the facts & what I have experienced taking them, the end result outweighs all this, otherwise I wouldn't do it!!

On day 7 Dr J wants to scan me & check my lining in case she needs to increase any of the medications. I repeat a scan again on Day 10. As this is our donor's first ever cycle Dr J has to work off estimates, and at present the egg collection for her should go ahead on my day 14. Once my angel has her egg pick up I start progesterone in the form of Crinone twice a day until transfer day.

 On the day of egg transfer we & Dr J have decided how ever many eggs are collected, half will be fertilised with H's sperm & the other half donor sperm to increase our chances of success. Now the don't just put it all in a shaker & you have no idea whats what! The two lots of embryos fertilised with the different sperm are kept separate & when it comes to transfer day, you know which embryo is going back. Of course if embryo's make it to day 5 with H's we will transfer one of those back first.

Hopefully by day 19 we have some wonderful embryos & Dr J will transfer one back (ONLY ONE & is adamant about this!!) I will then have to double my steroid dose of prednisone, continue 2 lots of crinone a day & start my other favourite, clexane injections which sting like crazy.

Then the 2 week wait begins. So I'm just waiting for Aunt Flo to come to town (so to speak) so I can start the pill for 14 days.

Sounds simple on paper but from past experience NOTHING is simple with this process BUT this is a totally different cycle so who knows.

Really, truly hoping & praying more than ever................

Read the article below online & thought it was great, been in a lot of the situations they describe & wish I had a dollar for every time someone told me having a family was not THAT important & to be grateful for the life I have etc.....

Many don't think before they speak & this article is helpful, sometimes just a simply empathetic sorry would be great............

MAYBE THIS ARTICLE WILL PREVENT YOU SUFFERING FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE!

Infertility Etiquette: What Not to Say to Someone Trying to Conceive

Saying nothing or the wrong thing can hurt a woman going through the already emotional upheaval of infertility. This crash course in infertility etiquette can help you lend a sympathetic (and sensitive) shoulder.

By Elizabeth Shimer Bowers

Medically reviewed by Lindsey Marcellin, MD, MPH

For some women, getting pregnant is enjoyable and almost effortless. But for others, the road to conception can be difficult — sometimes impossible. In fact, more than 7 million women in the United States are either unable to get pregnant at all or unable to carry a baby to term, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. These women face

infertility struggles that can completely take over their lives, both physically and emotionally. Someone in your world — a co-worker, a friend, a relative — may be dealing with infertility right now, and the tactfulness and sensitivity you show in your interactions could make or break your relationship.
Knowing what to say or not say to someone coping with fertility struggles can be difficult, especially since she may not give you any clues. Plus, what’s comforting to one person might be hurtful to someone else. There’s no hard rule on infertility etiquette, but these tips, from both experts and real women struggling to get pregnant, may help.

The Importance of Empathy

Nobody knows the pain of infertility better than women who are going through it themselves. Take, for example, Amy Miller (not her real name), a public relations professional in San Francisco. Miller has experienced the impact of four rounds of unsuccessful infertility treatments — the first resulted in the loss of twins at 20 weeks, the second failed to take, the third resulted in a blighted ovum, and the fourth also failed to take — all while “dozens of our friends, family, and other people around us popped out babies like it was the easiest thing in the world,” she says.
Miller’s first piece of advice for people who know someone facing infertility is just to say something. “Even if you don’t know what to say, simply saying ‘I’m sorry’ is better than saying nothing at all,” she says. “People wanted to give us our space, but that just made us feel more isolated.”
Sarah Smith (not her real name), an entrepreneur in New York City who has been dealing with infertility for a year and a half, agrees. “I just want a little empathy — a ‘That sucks’ or even ‘At least you can still have a beer,’” she says. “I would rather they try to relate than not say anything.”
Mary Hinckley, MD, a reproductive endocrinologist at the Reproductive Science Center in the San Francisco Bay area, also stresses the importance of acknowledging a situation as life-altering as infertility. “At some point, the fertile friend should address the issue in private by telling her friend struggling with infertility that she cannot begin to understand how hard it is but that she is available to talk about the situation,” Hinckley says.
Beyond lending an ear, Dr. Hinckley also recommends spending quality time with your friend. “Get a baby-sitter for your kids, and go out to a movie or to dinner or join a jogging club or yoga class together,” she suggests. “Psychological studies show that distraction can sometimes be the best strategy for infertility sadness in the short term.”

Infertility Faux Pas

Equally important is knowing what not to say to a friend facing an infertility struggle. Prevent foot-in-mouth disease by steering clear of these dialogue disasters:
Have you tried _____? “I hate when people start asking me: ‘Have you had this test? Have you tried acupuncture? Have you had your husband’s sperm tested?’” says Smith. “Yes, we’ve had the tests, and, yes, we are exploring our options. I would rather not discuss the details of infertility treatments unless you have real expertise on the subject. It’s so annoying and, frankly, insensitive.”
Hinckley says offering advice may make the recipient feel like the advice giver doesn’t think she is smart or motivated enough to seek help. “However, if the friend facing infertility is feeling lost or depressed or doesn’t know what to do or what is normal, asking open-ended questions and listening may be the best thing you can offer,” she says.
I’m pregnant! Yay! “If you become pregnant yourself, be careful about how you tell a person who’s dealing with infertility,” Miller says. “We had some friends who denied a pregnancy when we noticed a baby’s room during a visit to their home and then called us all chipper a few days later to break the news, which was hurtful. Another friend called my husband and calmly said, ‘We wanted to tell you we are expecting, and we hope it’s not awkward for you,’ which was a much more sensitive way to handle it.”
Here — hold the baby! “If a friend undergoing infertility treatment is strong enough to visit you after you’ve given birth, don’t shove the baby in her arms,” Miller says. “Instead, ask if she wants to hold the baby, and be understanding of the fact that her reaction might be different from that of someone who is not dealing with infertility.”
It will all work out.
Hinckley says that "dismissive statements such as these can minimize the pain and sadness of someone who is going through infertility treatment." Also not sensitive is "suggesting they ‘go on vacation and just have sex every day.'"
It’s better if you just move on. “You should never tell someone facing infertility that they should just get over it,” Miller says. “They will get that feedback from support groups filled with people going through the same infertility struggles.”
Overall, when it comes to infertility etiquette, it’s best to step into the shoes of your friend and try to understand how you would feel if you were faced with certain comments, says Fran Praver, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Locust Valley, N.Y., and author of The New Science of Love: How Understanding Your Brain's Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship. “Would you want to hear a friend complain about a past pregnancy, push adoption, or tell you to relax?” she asks. Think about what would make you feel hurt versus what would make you feel understood and supported if you were the one facing infertility, she suggests. Such empathy is key to maintaining the relationship.
On a positive note, Miller says that if any good has come from her infertility struggle, it’s that it has taught her and her husband to express more of the empathy they crave from others. “We are able to more sensitively talk to people dealing with death and other losses in their lives,” she says. “So, in that way, infertility has made us better people.”

Finally Getting Face to Face With My Angel For A Flying Visit To Get Started

For weeks now we had been counting down to 6 March, this was the day our angel & her fiance were flying up to meet us & do the first round of donor appointments so we could get the ball (or should I say eggs?) rolling.

Their flight landed at 6.30am and I woke about 5 minutes before the alarm excited as today was the day, quick showers & grooming were done & we flew out the front door & headed to the airport. Then I checked my phone to see I had a text saying they flight had been delayed by an hour. We decided to make a pit stop at McDonald's for a coffee & while leaving, I slipped & fell on the wet ground and banged up my knee. (Lucky H was hanging on to me) - blood was pouring but all I could think about was am I OK & is nothing broken (as per my last fall). Off the ground & some quick first aid & some ice & we were back on our way to the airport.

Our Angel & her fiance arrived and it was so good to meet face to face, we headed into the city to get the appointments underway and grab some breakfast. We all got along really well & were too busy exchanging stories about their kids, things we had in common & life in general to discuss the egg business.

First stop was Dr J, by the time I got to her room our quick patch up of my knee was falling off & bleeding again so she took great delight in doing some real doctoring and patching me up properly. In they went for their appointment with Dr J & after about 40 mins, Dr J called us in to have a quick chat. Dr J was thrilled with our angel and  started writing up my treatment plan, as she was doing it she only put down 1 embryo to be transferred back into me & I corrected her saying we normally have 2. Dr J explained that with our Angel being so young & fertile there is a risk of 2 dividing & becoming 4 which would be  health risk not only to me, but the babies. Dr J is the expert so I said "whatever you think is best". We see Dr J for a more extensive check up on 14 March.

Next stop was tons of blood being drawn from our Angel who was very brave about it all then on to the fertility clinic for an hour session there with the nurses to go through all the details of the drugs she will be taking etc...

Break in the schedule so as our couple have never been to Brisbane we hit the city centre & did a quick tour & some shopping & grabbed a spot of lunch all the while chatting non stop. Last appointment for the day was there session with the counsellor. We waited & once that hour was up it was some free time to relax before heading back to the airport.

The next step is the 2 week mandatory cooling off period, then we all have to have a joint counselling session which our counsellor has kindly agree to do via skype to save the guys another plane trip up. This session is 20 March & hopefully soon after that we can have our cycles in synch & start this process.

We had our angel & her fiance back to our house & showed them around our area a little, as they get married in September we got into some girly things like looking at our wedding album & invitations, discussing dresses, shoes etc.....  We had a snack & were all chatting away non stop when H said "its time to head to the airport" we were having such a nice time I didn't want to let them leave.

It was a fabulous day/experience & not for the reason you would assume (that being I have someone to donate their eggs to us). it really was a lovely day & H & I both loved spending time with this great & fun couple who if we had met any other way would be friends for sure.

Now the waiting, 20 March seems like forever away - Angel is impatient like me too and we both want to start NOW. Hopefully its soon.....

This experience & all the fears I had were unfounded & it has turned out completely different than how I ever imagined.

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you......

I'm so thrilled with the angel that found us, not only is she doing something so incredible for us but getting to know her more over the past few weeks she is a fun & fabulous girl whom if we'd met any other way I know we would have become fast friends. I could wax lyrical for hours & write non stop about how lovely she is, not because she is doing this but because we have so much in common BUT I will try to keep this post not too long.

This is a first for us both, we are the first couple she has donated to. After reading so much online about what a lot of potential donors want & expect from the recipient & the future relationship they have with the child I was a little scared, some donors treat egg donation almost treat it like adoption & want regular visits & all kinds of things that scared me a little.

Since our first contact our angel (who we shall call A) started emailing pretty much non stop about all kinds of things. Firstly there was a lot of info about the process & arranging times for her to come to us seeing she lives in another state. But we also started just talking like girls in general do & found we had an awful lot in common. A is getting married later in the year so we have talked a lot about her wedding & wear to find things & talking about things we did all those years ago to save money. Our emails were certainly not stiff & informal and I spoke to A like I do anyone & I'm pretty sure that's how she spoke with me.

She asked if it would be OK if we had a chat on the phone & I thought why not? & was quite excited by the idea. She called me on her birthday (we knew it was her birthday from all the info she provided for us to give to Dr J & the clinic, so we had sent her a birthday card as a surprise!) when she called she was driving to the Zoo & we ended up talking for her whole trip (nearly an hour). There was never once an awkward pause (wish talking to boys on the phone as a teenager had been this easy) and neither of us drew breath.

Besides talking a little about some of the technical things & what to expect with her appointments on Mar 6 we discussed anything & everything. We have a mutual love of Twilight & are both Team Edward, love a great bargain, talked about how we met our partners, in fact we covered so many topics & bounced from one thing to the next I can't remember them all. When we said goodbye I had a huge smile on my face as I had enjoyed out chat so much. She also got a lovely surprise with our birthday card!

The emails continued & text's which often had nothing to do with IVF & donation, and as she has found another couple to be an Angel for after us, there clinic has asked her a lot of questions about donor/recipient relationships going forward & she sent them to me asking would I mind answering but it was OK if I didn't want to. I will post the questions on a separate page as they maybe of use to someone else looking for a donor. A had already put her answers down the bottom of the email but I went ahead and filled it out & then read her answers. We were totally in sync with everything, from what type of future contact we would both like to what would happen with excess embryos etc....

Thursday the phone went out of the blue and it was A, I think we racked up a 90 minute call this time!! We discussed the questions a little bit more & there was one questions she hadn't included as she felt funny about it & it was along the lines of how the child would be raised, religion, discipline etc..  she said she had discussed this with her partner & they both felt although the child is biologically half hers, that she is donating an egg not giving away a baby & apart fron the fact they hoped the child was not going into an abusive home, they didn't really feel they had a say in the raising of the child.

I was happy to discuss this question with her anyway & told her as we have been trying since 2007 we already  had ideas on how we would raise a child, even what school it will attend etc...  I even told her when she comes up she will see the school we have picked as its right near our home & our neighbours children attend. We could have been two peas in a pod, as everything I said we wanted for our child & how we would like to raise it is almost exactly how they raise & discipline there children. On a funny note her mother is very supportive of her doing this & would loved to have been a donor herself but time got away, she kids my Angel that I am going to give her the girl she has wanted seeing she let her down by having boys!!! (joking of course) I think that is very cute!!

After that we discussed stories about growing up, favourite foods, hair styles, clothes, hunky actors & had a typical female conversation that was fun & again left me hanging up in a very good mood & smiling from ear to ear.

As we friended each other on facebook (she told me I could delete her if I didn't want to stay friends) I said that would be a great way if we are blessed with a successful pregnancy, going forward over the years for her to see pictures of the child etc... & email or call me if she wants any copies to keep. We both expressed we would like to meet up after the baby is born as if it was not for her, I wouldn't have the child but I also feel it would be very rewarding for her to see the family she helped create. We discussed staying in contact as we are now (may be less often is she has donors she has to concentrate her time on) & catching up from time to time whenever the opportunity arises (seeing we live in different states) and various other things we were 100% in agreement with going forward. We are both super excited & counting down the days till Mar 6 (which now it not far off) & we can't wait to meet in person.

H & I were both so scared & anxious heading down this path of finding a donor, getting to know a stranger & the chances of getting on with them under any circumstance can be rare, yet to put an advert out there seeking for someone to donate their eggs for you to have a family & the chances you get on with this person & have similar ideals & values - I didn't think that would happen. Once again fate has looked after me & I really must have my own angel looking out for me as back in 96 fate arranged for H & I to meet & now she has not let me down & looked after me again by sending me the most amazing angel egg donor.

Whoever you are, my angel up there THANK YOU xoxo

A Song that inspires & means so much to me.....

The first time I heard this song was after our second failed round of IVF, Katy Perry's new album came out that week & H got it for me to cheer me up as I'm a big fan & have been since I saw her in a small, intimate show back in 2009 before she became the huge star she is now.

This song started & as I listened to the lyrics I started to cry as the first verse put into words EXACTLY how I was feeling, the second verse gave me hope. Eventually Katy released it as a single and it was everywhere and it would always stop me in my tracks when I heard it, it felt like she had crawled inside my head and stolen my thoughts about how I felt with the failures & miscarriages and also the hope I had for the future.

When we saw Katy live on her California Dreams tour last year & she sang it saying it was her favourite song, it felt like she was singing it just for me & I sang word for word with her & suddenly had tears stream down my face (& I don't get emotional over a song - it was just the meaning and I was in a 2 week wait at the time - which turned out to be another negative).

I'm hoping one day I can share this song with the little miracle that will come into our lives & explain to them what it means to me & how it was about my journey to bring them into my life. Thank you Katy for summing up how I feel & giving me hope, you or no one else will never understand how much this song means to me.

So here are the Lyrics to Firework:

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Now listen to Katy sing it & the lovely video that goes with it.

Over the moon thank's to an amazing Angel finding us

We are over the moon - thanks to our Angel

The timing of things can really be unbelievable at times, just when things seem impossible something incredible happens.

On 17 Jan H & I had our appointment with the fertility clinic nurses to go through the whole donor egg process, how it works & all the info you needed. It was a very overwhelming overload of info during the course of 1.5 hours that left H & I with our heads spinning.

While sitting there with the nurse, I happened to gaze out the window and observe the wet, gloomy day & it struck me. It was approx 3 years ago we had sat in this office with a nurse on a day just like this, going through all the info to start IVF & how it would be the answer to our prayers. I became very upset that 3 years on, here we were with no family & now going down a path neither of us had imagined. I had made posts on several websites seeking an egg donor angel since early Dec 2011 when Dr J advised that was the next step to make. I'd had no responses or even any questions.

Realising it was 3 years & all the info the clinic had provided made it seem like finding a donor was going to be quite hard, my emotions just built up and when we left the appointment & H was going to get the car I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt, sad, angry, frustrated but most of all scared we would never have a chance to have the family we want so badly.

This turned into a very bad anxiety attack and H drove me home & decided to work from home that day just to be around to support me. When the dust had settled I was then very mad at myself for being as I perceive it 'being weak' and getting that upset. The following day we happened to already have an appointment with Dr K booked and it was great timing to be able to go in & talk about how I was feeling. Dr K reassured me I was not 'weak' & that I was coping very well. It was nice to be given some coping advice and also to be told your fears & reactions to this type of stress are totally NORMAL.

I got home from the appointment feeling pretty drained as talking about everything got me (obviously) very emotional again & H and I had a big discussion later that day about our hopes of finding an egg donor and doing our best to stay positive & hope for a miracle. Exhausted & with a headache from 2 days of crying on & off I went to bed & crashed.

I woke up about 9pm & had some late dinner with H, while he was getting it I checked my emails & couldn't believe what was in my in box - it was an email from a young woman saying she had completed her family and would love to help us by being our donor & were we interested and where to from here as this is the first time she's been a donor. I literally screamed at H to come & read the email & we of course replied straight away.

I went to sleep that afternoon (without trying to sound too dramatic) exhausted & in the depths of despair and then I woke up to find a MIRACLE in my in box.

For the next few day's we exchanged email's (lots of them) our Angel has read this blog and was lovely to email with (with a great sense of humour!) I keep the blog anonymous so I hope our Angel doesn't mind she will just be called Angel (you know who you are lovely!) This amazing woman is in her mid 20's and has two darling's of her own under 3. She has wanted to be a donor since she was 19 but Dr's recommend you have completed your own family before becoming a donor. She understands the need for donors due to a friend needing a sperm donor to have her family I'll quote from one of her emails:  "I have a close friend that has needed a sperm donor for all of her babies, and thank goodness there are donors otherwise she would never have had her family, and this chick was born to have a tribe of kids LOL, I'm so happy I can help, its making me smile all day at the moment."

After lots of emails,info & photo's being exchanged we are thrilled and can't believe this one has chosen us to be the first couple she donates too. Everything from the first email has fallen into place perfectly and we both keep saying it's really like this is meant to be & it's the perfect fit!

So our Angel lives in another state and to start the process for her to officially become our donor the first things that need to happen are:

H & I have a counselling appointment which is scheduled for Mon 30 Jan , we also had an appointment with Dr J booked for 2 Feb which we made back in December.

Our Angel needs to come up with her other half and:

Have a 1 hour appointment with Dr J
A range of blood tests (sorry in advance hon!!)
An hour long session with the fertility clinic nurses
An hour long session with the counsellor



Once all the appointments on 6 Mar are completed, there is a mandatory 2 week 'cooling off' period for our Angel.  (this is a government/law requirement). Once the 2 weeks is up, all four of us have to attend a counselling session all together (to make life easier the counsellor has already agreed that we can do this session without them having to fly up again, they can phone in and join the session via speakerphone whilst we are present). We need to check, but I think there may possibly be another few weeks cooling off period - either way once all this is done our gorgeous Angel & I can start our first donor cycle together.

Talk about the kindness of strangers, a huge heart & the most amazing gift a person can ever give to another. We can't thank her enough already for just offering to do this for us.

Exciting, hopeful & happy times ahead.

A year ago today & Goodbye 2011.....

A year ago today H & I were in so much emotional pain from the cruel blow of our Second miscarriage, our New Years eve & confirmation of our longed for baby celebratory plans were forgotten & we both went to bed early, exhausted, miserable and hoping 2011 would be a great year seeing 2010 had ended so badly.

Unfortunately that was not to be, 2011 I am glad to see the back of you. I will not re-cap what 2011 was like for us with IVF, further miscarriages, surgeries & ill health. (if you've read the blog, you know the story!)  Emotionally 2011 has been one of the hardest years both H & I have ever had to deal with.

One thing I did learn is that no matter what obstacles present themselves, H & I both still passionately want a child/children in our lives & we will keep going & try anything to achieve this. I leaned that H who I always thought of as my best friend & and amazing human is even more incredible than I ever thought. We got each other through the year, H more often than not being the one getting me through. To quote a line from what is 'our song' and the song we had our first dance to at our wedding "you were my strength when I was weak, you were my voice when I couldn't speak". I have known of couples an issue like this drives a wedge between, not us. If anything we are even stronger than I thought ever possible.

I also found some comfort, support & friendship via a forum & of all places twitter. When I decided to start tweeting a little about what I was going through, others followed me and offered support or had a story of there own to share with me to inspire. You know who you are & your tweets, messages, texts etc... have been a huge help in my being able to cope. Some day's your messages/tweets etc... have been the extra thing I needed to help me make it through that day, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I give myself a very hard time & call myself weak and feel I should cope better. But what is the correct way to cope? Your body crazy with hormones, countless procedures, constantly ill from your immune system being weakened by treatment then the fall out after another miscarriage or negative result. Maybe I should stop & listen to H, Dr J, Dr K & many of my friends & acquaintances who call me brave & tell me they don't know how they would do it & think I am coping very well considering everything. Hmmmmmmmmmm whys it so hard to say to myself "you are doing well, considering"?

2011 is officially over & although I would not put my hand up to repeat it, I guess I did learn some valuable lessons. Tonight we went out for New Years Eve and celebrated the end of the year and the hope & promise of 2012.

2012 is starting by going into the unknown & looking for an egg donor. We have appointments for counselling & with our clinic lined up in January to give us more information & help with the process. Yes we are praying for a miracle, to find a donor & for a successful pregnancy BUT I have to accept I have no control over this and just go where this journey takes me.

I love music & always have, it is something that is a huge part of my life. Several songs over the past year have really stood out to me & have had special meaning to me & I have mentioned them in other posts.

For 2012 I would like to live by the message in Guy Sebastian's new song Don't worry, be happy. If you have not heard it, give it a listen. Some really great lyrics & also a video showing a day a lot of us may have had. Thanks for the inspiration to start the new year Guy.

Don't worry, be happy: Guy Sebastian Official Music Video

Happy New Year to you all & no matter what dreams you have, I hope yours come true as much as I want mine too.