23 April 2012
Where do I begin? I have been in such a haze since Friday I couldn't even bring myself to write about what was happening & how I was feeling. By the title of this post you can see that this first donor round has been cancelled & I'm devastated.
Dr J said Monday that Friday would be D day as to whether we pulled the pin or not. My donor had lots of small eggs and if they had not grown by the increased dose of medication by Friday that would be it, if we kept going after that on a higher dose again, then the eggs get old & quality deteriorates.
So I had pretty much been wringing my hands all week & hoping for the best outcome for us all as I know our donor is as keen to do this cycle as we are. My sleep had been a bit off this past week with some worrisome thoughts crossing my mind but I stayed positive & hoped for a good outcome. It's a difficult situation as no one is responsible for the way IVF can work & there is nothing any of us could do to make it work.
I spoke with my donor on the way to her scan Friday morning and we were both hopeful, she rang me after the scan to tell me 3 eggs had grown but only one was good enough for egg pick up & the rest had stayed small. My stomach sank as I was pretty sure Dr J would have bad news when she got the scan report. My donor felt bad & was apologising & I told her not to be silly as there was nothing she could have done to change this. I thought I was OK then about 10 minutes later I found myself sobbing at the thought of the cycle being cancelled and the embryo transfer that was only a week away was now gone. I rang H at work to try to tell him what was happening but all I could do was cry. I had a panic attack of sorts & had to take some anti anxiety medication which have not had to take in a long time & exhausted myself to the point of falling asleep.
Dr J called later that day to confirm that the cycle was cancelled and have a brief chat about what the plan should be for next time. H came home & there were more tears, tears as I was angry at myself that I have crap eggs & can't do this on my own like normal couples can. I even wondered if I should ask Dr J should I do one more cycle with my eggs? (pretty silly seeing 9 haven't worked or resulted in miscarriage but when you are upset, straws are what we cling to).
Its amazing what stress & upset does to the body. Since Friday night I have slept a lot & when I am awake I can't concentrate to watch television or read. I tried to get out of the house Saturday & get some fresh air so H & I headed off for a drive, we made it round the block when I said lets go home, this is just not a good idea. I felt like I was trapped underwater & just couldn't get out. A short shopping trip didn't help Sunday morning and exhausted and still crying at the drop of a hat I went back to bed. They say it takes all sorts & I think under most circumstances I'm fairly strong with some of the things I have had to face in my life but this feeling of my own failure coupled with coming off all the hormones I'd been on turned me into a very emotional creature.
I know we are going to try again in about 4 - 6 weeks time when Dr J says we can start the medication again & my donor will be given a higher dose. Its all the silly things that upset, especially a transfer date being so close & unlike the pattern of failure my cycles had turned into, I was feeling nothing but positive about this cycle & didn't envision any problems. I was so positive this would go ahead and I would have a positive pregnancy test by our wedding anniversary and that I would have passed the 12 week mark by my 40th birthday & be ale to tell everyone on my birthday.
Even more than that I was just thinking of all the nice things I had always envisioned us doing with our child someday.
I think I'm slowly coming up from underwater, tonight I was able to watch & concentrate on some television & felt strong enough to sit & write about how I've been feeling.
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