28 April 2012
Its raining and I can't get back to sleep, this past week has not been a good one & part of me thinks I should just keep it to myself, the other says, when you started writing this blog you wanted to always be honest.
This week has been a pretty horrendous one. Monday H & I had a massive argument (not making excuses but my end had extra fuel on the fire caused due to coming off the hormone treatments) & I said some pretty horrible things & didn't like some things he said to me. I got a migraine from the stress of this & the hormones. I hate fighting, I detest it because I grew up around it constantly. Nearly everyday there were raised voices & verbal attacks and on really good days things turned violent BUT that's a whole other blog which I will get around to writing one day but some of it is just to painful to think about.
I was sick of yelling & trying to get my point heard so I gathered a hand full of belongings & relocated to the spare bedroom (which is still NOT a nursery & of course was the mature thing to do!!) I proceeded to bang around the house & slam doors & if H tried to speak to me I just cut him off, I was past angry and just too hurt. I called the after hours Doctor as I needed a shot of some kind for my migraine (funny screaming & crying doesn't help migraines).
I sobbed until the Dr came then went to bed in the spare room, H asked me to come back but I told him in no uncertain terms no & if I had a really good friend close by I would leave & stay there. My childhood & the way I was raised did not give me very good relationship examples or conflict resolution ones. I have done so much work in this area and 90% of the time I no longer run away when the going gets tough, but Monday night, that was all I could do. I was devastated about our donor cycle being cancelled then the stupid argument we had & things that were said were all just too much.
Luckily this is a 2 cat house & one came of her own free will to the spare room with me and licked away the tears that fell off the tip of my nose. The shot started to help the pain but I had a bad nights sleep & when I did sleep I just had nightmares. I always believe you shouldn't go to bed angry but that night, that is what I did. I was looking forward to a day of solitude the following day when I woke to find H had not gone to work & was lying in bed sick himself now. I was past anger & asked if he needed my help or to go to the Dr? I told him what medication to take for his symptoms and if no better we would go up the Dr later that day.
Then H broke the ice & apologised (obviously he is the bigger of the 2 of us but in fairness I was surprised at his being unwell and not sure when to bring the subject up as both of us were physically unwell). H told me he was sorry for some of the things he had said and for not talking to me more about some of the other things. I apologised too and ended up in tears again as the root of the problem was infertility plain & simple. This is what people warn you about & why people say their marriages ended due to it. I thought NO scratch that, think we are a very strong couple & have overcome a lot of things together & always put the work in or seen a counsellor if needed. In particular due to things that happened to me growing up I have racked up many hours talking to a therapist & learning new behaviours.
Yesterday was the first day this week I wasn't totally exhausted & wanting to sleep on & off all day because I couldn't cope well. The fog is slowly lifting although I am still in a lot of pain due to the cycle being cancelled, to be so close then to have the rug ripped out from under you was so hard to deal with & more so as I stupidly never expected it & someone with my past experiences should have.
I tried to call my donor yesterday to see how she was doing but only got her voice mail & never heard back, I'm hoping she's just busy with her kids & not read my posts on here and making a beeline away from us! I wanted to check how she was doing & let her know I have an appointment with Dr J to discuss the next cycle and get dates etc... on Wed 2 May.
IT really gets so hard at times as apart from H I have no support in real life. My mother knew we were doing IVF & she was supportive in she wanted a grandchild but unsupportive in her comments such as during one miscarriage, telling me it was for the best as I didn't want a retarded baby. I ended up telling her we were taking a break & when she asks I tell her we are still on a break (again the relationship with my mother is a WHOLE other blog & too hard to deal with right now, I have dealt with a lot of it in therapy of the years but there is still unresolved issues & its hard when she wont admit to her part or attend a session with you).
I have some great forum friends & was brave enough to go for a lunch with other egg donors & recipients & hit it off really well with one lady in particular all were lovely but I just had that extra specal connectnn with this on perosn).I was able to have a great chat with her about who down I felt & it was nice to speak to another female who understood. also have some wonderful twitter friends all people I don't know apart from one or two who I have met up with.They have been so supportive with their tweets and it really helps lift my spirits. You all know who you are so thank you. My best friend who understand me really well lives in the USA & although we can skype & email I would love it if she were here.
Oh the other thing that got me today was we were told by our Dr that the cycle being cancelled would be OK and no charges etc... apart from medications& appointments. Today the clinic called and want to charge us a $1500 cancellation fee? For what I might ask? The hospital wasn't even booked so we told them what our Dr sad & we are having them look into. The clinic made so many mistakes this cycle and at the end of the day all they did was dispense out medications (incorrectly).
I think that's everything I had on my mind. Its 2am so I should go back to bed & try to get some sleep.
Hopefully good positive posts to follow, I did feel when this cycle got cancelled the universe was trying to tell me something & maybe not meant to be a mother but that's just crazy. H & I love kids so much & are pretty great with them. I'm sure someway we will get the outcome we so greatly want & desire. Having a family just means the world to us both.
No comments:
Post a Comment