A year ago today H & I were in so much emotional pain from the cruel blow of our Second miscarriage, our New Years eve & confirmation of our longed for baby celebratory plans were forgotten & we both went to bed early, exhausted, miserable and hoping 2011 would be a great year seeing 2010 had ended so badly.
Unfortunately that was not to be, 2011 I am glad to see the back of you. I will not re-cap what 2011 was like for us with IVF, further miscarriages, surgeries & ill health. (if you've read the blog, you know the story!) Emotionally 2011 has been one of the hardest years both H & I have ever had to deal with.
One thing I did learn is that no matter what obstacles present themselves, H & I both still passionately want a child/children in our lives & we will keep going & try anything to achieve this. I leaned that H who I always thought of as my best friend & and amazing human is even more incredible than I ever thought. We got each other through the year, H more often than not being the one getting me through. To quote a line from what is 'our song' and the song we had our first dance to at our wedding "you were my strength when I was weak, you were my voice when I couldn't speak". I have known of couples an issue like this drives a wedge between, not us. If anything we are even stronger than I thought ever possible.
I also found some comfort, support & friendship via a forum & of all places twitter. When I decided to start tweeting a little about what I was going through, others followed me and offered support or had a story of there own to share with me to inspire. You know who you are & your tweets, messages, texts etc... have been a huge help in my being able to cope. Some day's your messages/tweets etc... have been the extra thing I needed to help me make it through that day, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I give myself a very hard time & call myself weak and feel I should cope better. But what is the correct way to cope? Your body crazy with hormones, countless procedures, constantly ill from your immune system being weakened by treatment then the fall out after another miscarriage or negative result. Maybe I should stop & listen to H, Dr J, Dr K & many of my friends & acquaintances who call me brave & tell me they don't know how they would do it & think I am coping very well considering everything. Hmmmmmmmmmm whys it so hard to say to myself "you are doing well, considering"?
2011 is officially over & although I would not put my hand up to repeat it, I guess I did learn some valuable lessons. Tonight we went out for New Years Eve and celebrated the end of the year and the hope & promise of 2012.
2012 is starting by going into the unknown & looking for an egg donor. We have appointments for counselling & with our clinic lined up in January to give us more information & help with the process. Yes we are praying for a miracle, to find a donor & for a successful pregnancy BUT I have to accept I have no control over this and just go where this journey takes me.
I love music & always have, it is something that is a huge part of my life. Several songs over the past year have really stood out to me & have had special meaning to me & I have mentioned them in other posts.
For 2012 I would like to live by the message in Guy Sebastian's new song Don't worry, be happy. If you have not heard it, give it a listen. Some really great lyrics & also a video showing a day a lot of us may have had. Thanks for the inspiration to start the new year Guy.
Happy New Year to you all & no matter what dreams you have, I hope yours come true as much as I want mine too.
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