Please give us the chance to be parents

Ever since the day I met my now husband it was our dream to have a family. We met in 1996 & married in 1999. I feel so lucky to have married someone I think of as my best friend & we have a wonderful loving relationship. 4 years ago (2007) we knew we were at a stage in our lives where we were ready to start the family wealways dreamed of having. Little did we know or expect that we would face such a challenge trying to make this dream a reality.We are in our mid/late Thirties (Me 39 and DH 38) and live in Brisbane. DH works full time & due to the timetables and stress IVF/ICSI has caused I no longer work full time, but run a small online business from home. We are a fit and healthy couple. We’ve been trying to conceive since 2007 & then in 2009 we had some medical tests done that showed DH had sperm quality issues & I suffered PCOS & that IVF/ICSI was our only chance to conceive.Unfortunately we have had a very tough journey starting fromMarch 2010 & completing 9 full stimulation cycles of IVF/ICSI & 1 IUI. To improve our chance’s trying donor sperm was suggested & we have done three cycles using that. It has been a physical & emotional rollercoasteras we have endured the pain of suffering 4 early miscarriages. Realising your dream then to have it snatched away from you, just made us realise even more how desperately we want to have a child in our lives. The losses did allow us for a short time, to realise the joy having a child would bring to our life. Over the course of the last 2 years we have realised that this journey is not about having a child, but about creating & becoming the little family we have always dreamed about. We have a wonderful life together with each other, our 2 cats & a lovely house with great family & friends. To have a child or children included in our lives would be the realisation of a dream we have been doing everything for, during the past 5 years. We have so much love to give & never imagined we would face an issue like this.We can’t even explain how much that a child of ours would be welcomed, cherished & loved. We have so much love we want to share with our child/children to be and we are now at the point where we need the assistance of a wonderfully generous Egg Donor to make this dream a reality.




If you are aged 18-35, are in good health & have a bmi under 34 (technichal stuff clinic told me to put down done, i didnt think it was necessary but on another site i had people over & under the age limit approach me, one with severe heriditary health problems & so on) have completed your family and are willing and able to help us achieve our dream please contact us via this site or twitter.site. If you wish to remain anonymous we will respect this and all future contact will be handled by our clinic here in Brisbane, however if you wish to meet we are open to that as well. We are in Brisbane & would prefer someone in Qld but are open to interstate donors. We will answer any questions and queries you have in order to help you reach you decision to select us & even if it is anon. We do ask one thing, that you are a genuine egg donor & have researched & know everythng that goes with this process & wont pull out when the going gets tough. Thank you for taking the time to read this.




It is very hard to know exactly what to say to stress how much we want a child or children as a part of our lives & have the family we have dreamed of. We sincerely mean every word we have written here & if you are at all considering helping us, please read my blog (link below) chronicling the path to parenthood we have travelled so far. We will make this dream of ours a reality, we just need your help. From the bottom of our hearts, would you please consider helping us.


TTC since 2007, 10 IVF/ICSI, 4 Miscarriages. Now hoping to find the golden egg with the help of an egg donor

Picking up the pieces and trying to start again

7 May 2012

So there has been a lot of mourning and thinking of the past almost week about where to from here, picking up the pieces you could say and boy where there a mess. Although we let someone in our life and they have hurt us badly we still want a family and we still need a donor (however if the previous donor had a change of heart I would have to say no as I couldn't go through that possible pain again).

We begin from scratch and try and find another donor, after what had happened my preference at the moment is anonymous but times heal all wounds and maybe someone will convince me to change my mind about that.

The past 6 days have been horrendous & painful. I can't believe any human being could put another through this kind of pain. But H & I are going to be strong and dust ourselves off and move on. Things happen for a reason and fate and that last situation was not meant to be for whatever reason.

Wish us luck as we start all over again. If you are aged between 18 -35 and feel you could be our donor please contact me through this blog contact button and if you wish to remain anonymous I will just pass you straight onto our clinic or just email asking for that info!

My original post about finding a donor last December 2011
http://pathtoparenthoodviaivf.blogspot.com.au/2011/12/time-to-make-big-change-with-help-of.html

Everything you need to know about our quest for a family is on this blog so if you want to get to see howmuch we want a child - just take a red back from the start.


Hoping you are out there somewhere.

My donor nightmare - a warning to all

COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN OF THE WORST KIND

2 May 2012

Well I know in these modern times its pretty cool to do anything via text, break up with your boyfriend, cancel plans with people at a minute's notice - seemingly anything goes and listed up all you potential egg donors out there - don't want to do it anymore for any reason - just send a text to your donor saying saying
"Im gona try send u an email in the next few days, just thoulg wld let u kno Im not ready to cycle again yet, sorry late noticebut though u shld know before ur app tomoz" (gotta love how the younger generatoin spell hey!! this is at 6.15pm to when its too late to phone your Dr and cancel the appointment.

H & I obvious reaction was what the hell is going on?? When we last spoke on Sunday she was all good to go & for me to get dates from my FS. What had happened? We had not had a fight or cross words? Her first cycle got cancelled big deal, its much better than the alternative then her ending up in hospital having her ovaries drained to OHSS.

Well today I spent the day in tears & H was not much better, I wrote the donor an email last night trying to get to the bottom of it all but heard nothing, I sent a text asking if she could read my email & respond before 9.30 am so I could let my Dr know what was  happening but nah nothing. I was so distraught I phoned the counsellor we had all out sessions with and she was in total shock & no it wasn't all my side as I read to her the text messages I had sent leading up to this & following. She was again in shock and thought this donor had presented as a good candidate but she was obviously wrong.
The counsellor suggested sending a text to her asking if we could have a chat, she didn't reply so I left her a message on the forums asking if we could have a chat (which - don't laugh the banned me for - like I care I have so many email addresses I can re-join to advertise or be back on there again tomorrow if I want!!)

I dont know even now what I did,  I just said all the things that I thought were the right things and made sure she knew no blame was placed on her as what was there to blame her for?? She can't help what happened with the medication.

So read the email  my responses below & take heed, you can pay all the money for everything you need your donor to do, they can sign all the paperwork and they can take something you say & twist it around into something to make a HUGE issue of IE: nothing.


Please be careful out there as I wold hate to see this happen to another donor so steer clear anyone who apppproaches you from Egg donation Australia, as they will find you on other sites advertising and poach you to come to their site which is a little mean girls club. They want you to jump through hoops & tell them your most intimate details then if you are deemed worthy, one of them may pick you to to donate too. Then take back her promise of donation.

On a serious not writing this has helped me feel stronger and take my power back. You give people the power to make you feel bad and at the end of the day what did I really do, nothing but be kind & generous and let someone into my heart. My journey will go on and thank god this happened now & before a child was involved. If what I have to offer in the way of friendship, support & care isnt enough for you - well it is for plenty others.

And The Darkest Hour is Just Before Dawn

28 April 2012

Its raining and I can't get back to sleep, this past week has not been a good one & part of me thinks I should just keep it to myself, the other says, when you started writing this blog you wanted to always be honest.

This week has been a pretty horrendous one. Monday H & I had a massive argument (not making excuses but my end had extra fuel on the fire caused due to coming off the hormone treatments) & I said some pretty horrible things & didn't like some things he said to me. I got a migraine from the stress of this & the hormones. I hate fighting, I detest it because I grew up around it constantly. Nearly everyday there were raised voices & verbal attacks and on really good days things turned violent BUT that's a whole other blog which I will get around to writing one day but some of it is just to painful to think about.

I was sick of yelling & trying to get my point heard so I gathered a hand full of belongings & relocated to the spare bedroom (which is still NOT a nursery & of course was the mature thing to do!!) I proceeded to bang around the house & slam doors & if H tried to speak to me I just cut him off, I was past angry and just too hurt. I called the after hours Doctor as I needed a shot of some kind for my migraine (funny screaming & crying doesn't help migraines).

I sobbed until the Dr came then went to bed in the spare room, H asked me to come back but I told him in no uncertain terms no & if I had a really good friend close by I would leave & stay there. My childhood & the way I was raised did not give me very good relationship examples or conflict resolution ones. I have done so much work in this area and 90% of the time I no longer run away when the going gets tough, but Monday night, that was all I could do. I was devastated about our donor cycle being cancelled then the stupid argument we had & things that were said were all just too much.

Luckily this is a 2 cat house & one came of her own free will to the spare room with me and licked away the tears that fell off the tip of my nose. The shot started to help the pain but I had a bad nights sleep & when I did sleep I just had nightmares. I always believe you shouldn't go to bed angry but that night, that is what I did. I was looking forward to a day of solitude the following day when I woke to find H had not gone to work & was lying in bed sick himself now. I was past anger & asked if he needed my help or to go to the Dr? I told him what medication to take for his symptoms and if no better we would go up the Dr later that day.

Then H broke the ice & apologised (obviously he is the bigger of the 2 of us but in fairness I was surprised at his being unwell and not sure when to bring the subject up as both of us were physically unwell). H told me he was sorry for some of the things he had said and for not talking to me more about some of the other things. I apologised too and ended up in tears again as the root of the problem was infertility plain & simple. This is what people warn you about & why people say their marriages ended due to it. I thought NO scratch that, think we are a very strong couple & have overcome a lot of things together & always put the work in or seen a counsellor if needed. In particular due to things that happened to me growing up I have racked up many hours talking to a therapist & learning new behaviours.

Yesterday was the first day this week I wasn't totally exhausted & wanting to sleep on & off all day because I couldn't cope well. The fog is slowly lifting although I am still in a lot of pain due to the cycle being cancelled, to be so close then to have the rug ripped out from under you was so hard to deal with & more so as I stupidly never expected it & someone with my past experiences should have.

I tried to call my donor yesterday to see how she was doing but only got her voice mail & never heard back, I'm hoping she's just busy with her kids & not read my posts on here and making a beeline away from us! I wanted to check how she was doing & let her know I have an appointment with Dr J to discuss the next cycle and get dates etc... on Wed 2 May.

IT really gets so hard at times as apart from H I have no support in real life. My mother knew we were doing IVF & she was supportive in she wanted a grandchild but unsupportive in her comments such as during one miscarriage, telling me it was for the best as I didn't want a retarded baby. I ended up telling her we were taking a break & when she asks I tell her we are still on a break (again the relationship with my mother is a WHOLE other blog & too hard to deal with right now, I have dealt with a lot of it in therapy of the years but there is still unresolved issues & its hard when she wont admit to her part or attend a session with you).

I have some great forum friends & was brave enough to go for a lunch with other egg donors & recipients & hit it off really well with one lady in particular all were lovely but  I just had that extra specal connectnn with this on perosn).I was able to have a great chat with her about who down I felt & it was nice to speak to another female who understood.  also have some wonderful twitter friends all people I don't know apart from one or two who I have met up with.They have been so supportive with their tweets and it really helps lift my spirits. You all know who you are so thank you. My best friend who understand me really well lives in the USA & although we can skype & email I would love it if she were here.

Oh the other thing that got me today was we were told by our Dr that the cycle being cancelled would be OK and no charges etc... apart from medications& appointments. Today the clinic called and want to charge us a $1500 cancellation fee? For what I might ask? The hospital wasn't even booked so we told them what our Dr sad & we are having them look into. The clinic made so many mistakes this cycle and at the end of the day all they did was dispense out medications (incorrectly).

I think that's everything I had on my mind. Its 2am so I should go back to bed & try to get some sleep.

Hopefully good positive posts to follow, I did feel when this cycle got cancelled the universe was trying to tell me something & maybe not meant to be a mother but that's just crazy. H & I love kids so much & are pretty great with them. I'm sure someway we will get the outcome we so greatly want & desire. Having a family just means the world to us both.

And donor cyle 1 is a bust... BOO HOO

23 April 2012

Where do I begin? I have been in such a haze since Friday I couldn't even bring myself to write about what was happening & how I was feeling. By the title of this post you can see that this first donor round has been cancelled & I'm devastated.

Dr J said Monday that Friday would be D day as to whether we pulled the pin or not. My donor had lots of small eggs and if they had not grown by the increased dose of medication by Friday that would be it, if we kept going after that on a higher dose again, then the eggs get old & quality deteriorates.

So I had pretty much been wringing my hands all week & hoping for the best outcome for us all as I know our donor is as keen to do this cycle as we are. My sleep had been a bit off this past week with some worrisome thoughts crossing my mind but I stayed positive & hoped for a good outcome. It's a difficult situation as no one is responsible for the way IVF can work & there is nothing any of us could do to make it work.

I spoke with my donor on the way to her scan Friday morning and we were both hopeful, she rang me after the scan to tell me 3 eggs had grown but only one was good enough for egg pick up & the rest had stayed small. My stomach sank as I was pretty sure Dr J would have bad news when she got the scan report. My donor felt bad & was apologising & I told her not to be silly as there was nothing she could have done to change this. I thought I was OK then about 10 minutes later I found myself sobbing at the thought of the cycle being cancelled and the embryo transfer that was only a week away was now gone. I rang H at work to try to tell him what was happening but all I could do was cry. I had a panic attack of sorts & had to take some anti anxiety medication which  have not had to take in a long time & exhausted myself to the point of falling asleep.

Dr J called later that day to confirm that the cycle was cancelled and have a brief chat about what the plan should be for next time. H came home & there were more tears, tears as I was angry at myself that I have crap eggs & can't do this on my own like normal couples can. I even wondered if I should ask Dr J should I do one more cycle with my eggs? (pretty silly seeing 9 haven't worked or resulted in miscarriage but when you are upset, straws are what we cling to).

Its amazing what stress & upset does to the body. Since Friday night I have slept a lot & when I am awake I can't concentrate to watch television or read. I tried to get out of the house Saturday & get some fresh air so H & I headed off for a drive, we made it round the block when I said lets go home, this is just not a good idea. I felt like I was trapped underwater & just couldn't get out. A short shopping trip didn't help Sunday morning and exhausted and still crying at the drop of a hat I went back to bed. They say it takes all sorts & I think under most circumstances I'm fairly strong with some of the things I have had to face in my life but this feeling of my own failure coupled with coming off all the hormones I'd been on turned me into a very emotional creature.

I know we are going to try again in about 4 - 6 weeks time when Dr J says we can start the medication again & my donor will be given a higher dose. Its all the silly things that upset, especially a transfer date being so close & unlike the pattern of failure my cycles had turned into, I was feeling nothing but positive about this cycle & didn't envision any problems. I was so positive this would go ahead and I would have a positive pregnancy test by our wedding anniversary and that I would have passed the 12 week mark by my 40th birthday & be ale to tell everyone on my birthday.

Even more than that I was just thinking of all the nice things I had always envisioned us doing with our child someday.

I think I'm slowly coming up from underwater, tonight I was able to watch & concentrate on some television & felt strong enough to sit & write about how I've been feeling.

Feeling hot hot hot - a laugh at my expense

AN EMBARRASSING BUT FUNNY TALE

If you don't like personal & embarrassing stories - quit reading NOW!!!

All these blog posts are mainly so angst ridden & full of drama I thought I would share a funny (but cautionary tale) and a laugh at my expense!

Poor down south, in the past 2 years she has been poked & prodded with so many things (& not of the fun variety, she doesn't want to have fun, she just wants to be left in peace!)

When I went for my scan on Monday, I got Dr J to do my regular pap for me. This is always something that has been extremely painful & uncomfortable for me. Dr J prepared & went to get a speculum when I was told there were none in the warmer (never knew there was such a thing as a speculum warmer!) I said that OK but Dr J insisted on warming one for me under the tap as we chatted away. Ready, set, go & I braced myself for the pain that comes but this time it was a really weird pain when I suddenly yelped OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW HOT HOT HOT! Dr J whipped that sucker out as quick as could be then all I could do was burst into hysterical laughter.

Dr J was apologising profusely saying it felt alright yet all I could do was laugh & try to spit out that it's always painful but I've never had a burning pain like that before & I was sorry I screamed. In the end both of us were behind the curtain killing ourselves laughing. Anyway when the deed was done it didn't feel half as bad, compared to the first burning hot one.

My poor vay jay jay - hasn't she been through enough with out being seared.

There you go - an embarrassing story I'm sharing here in the hope someone may get a laugh....

Talk about feeling hot, hot, hot......

H did offer to blow on it later, to which I replied it was not a bowl of soup :-)