Getting to know you, getting to know all about you......

I'm so thrilled with the angel that found us, not only is she doing something so incredible for us but getting to know her more over the past few weeks she is a fun & fabulous girl whom if we'd met any other way I know we would have become fast friends. I could wax lyrical for hours & write non stop about how lovely she is, not because she is doing this but because we have so much in common BUT I will try to keep this post not too long.

This is a first for us both, we are the first couple she has donated to. After reading so much online about what a lot of potential donors want & expect from the recipient & the future relationship they have with the child I was a little scared, some donors treat egg donation almost treat it like adoption & want regular visits & all kinds of things that scared me a little.

Since our first contact our angel (who we shall call A) started emailing pretty much non stop about all kinds of things. Firstly there was a lot of info about the process & arranging times for her to come to us seeing she lives in another state. But we also started just talking like girls in general do & found we had an awful lot in common. A is getting married later in the year so we have talked a lot about her wedding & wear to find things & talking about things we did all those years ago to save money. Our emails were certainly not stiff & informal and I spoke to A like I do anyone & I'm pretty sure that's how she spoke with me.

She asked if it would be OK if we had a chat on the phone & I thought why not? & was quite excited by the idea. She called me on her birthday (we knew it was her birthday from all the info she provided for us to give to Dr J & the clinic, so we had sent her a birthday card as a surprise!) when she called she was driving to the Zoo & we ended up talking for her whole trip (nearly an hour). There was never once an awkward pause (wish talking to boys on the phone as a teenager had been this easy) and neither of us drew breath.

Besides talking a little about some of the technical things & what to expect with her appointments on Mar 6 we discussed anything & everything. We have a mutual love of Twilight & are both Team Edward, love a great bargain, talked about how we met our partners, in fact we covered so many topics & bounced from one thing to the next I can't remember them all. When we said goodbye I had a huge smile on my face as I had enjoyed out chat so much. She also got a lovely surprise with our birthday card!

The emails continued & text's which often had nothing to do with IVF & donation, and as she has found another couple to be an Angel for after us, there clinic has asked her a lot of questions about donor/recipient relationships going forward & she sent them to me asking would I mind answering but it was OK if I didn't want to. I will post the questions on a separate page as they maybe of use to someone else looking for a donor. A had already put her answers down the bottom of the email but I went ahead and filled it out & then read her answers. We were totally in sync with everything, from what type of future contact we would both like to what would happen with excess embryos etc....

Thursday the phone went out of the blue and it was A, I think we racked up a 90 minute call this time!! We discussed the questions a little bit more & there was one questions she hadn't included as she felt funny about it & it was along the lines of how the child would be raised, religion, discipline etc..  she said she had discussed this with her partner & they both felt although the child is biologically half hers, that she is donating an egg not giving away a baby & apart fron the fact they hoped the child was not going into an abusive home, they didn't really feel they had a say in the raising of the child.

I was happy to discuss this question with her anyway & told her as we have been trying since 2007 we already  had ideas on how we would raise a child, even what school it will attend etc...  I even told her when she comes up she will see the school we have picked as its right near our home & our neighbours children attend. We could have been two peas in a pod, as everything I said we wanted for our child & how we would like to raise it is almost exactly how they raise & discipline there children. On a funny note her mother is very supportive of her doing this & would loved to have been a donor herself but time got away, she kids my Angel that I am going to give her the girl she has wanted seeing she let her down by having boys!!! (joking of course) I think that is very cute!!

After that we discussed stories about growing up, favourite foods, hair styles, clothes, hunky actors & had a typical female conversation that was fun & again left me hanging up in a very good mood & smiling from ear to ear.

As we friended each other on facebook (she told me I could delete her if I didn't want to stay friends) I said that would be a great way if we are blessed with a successful pregnancy, going forward over the years for her to see pictures of the child etc... & email or call me if she wants any copies to keep. We both expressed we would like to meet up after the baby is born as if it was not for her, I wouldn't have the child but I also feel it would be very rewarding for her to see the family she helped create. We discussed staying in contact as we are now (may be less often is she has donors she has to concentrate her time on) & catching up from time to time whenever the opportunity arises (seeing we live in different states) and various other things we were 100% in agreement with going forward. We are both super excited & counting down the days till Mar 6 (which now it not far off) & we can't wait to meet in person.

H & I were both so scared & anxious heading down this path of finding a donor, getting to know a stranger & the chances of getting on with them under any circumstance can be rare, yet to put an advert out there seeking for someone to donate their eggs for you to have a family & the chances you get on with this person & have similar ideals & values - I didn't think that would happen. Once again fate has looked after me & I really must have my own angel looking out for me as back in 96 fate arranged for H & I to meet & now she has not let me down & looked after me again by sending me the most amazing angel egg donor.

Whoever you are, my angel up there THANK YOU xoxo

A Song that inspires & means so much to me.....

The first time I heard this song was after our second failed round of IVF, Katy Perry's new album came out that week & H got it for me to cheer me up as I'm a big fan & have been since I saw her in a small, intimate show back in 2009 before she became the huge star she is now.

This song started & as I listened to the lyrics I started to cry as the first verse put into words EXACTLY how I was feeling, the second verse gave me hope. Eventually Katy released it as a single and it was everywhere and it would always stop me in my tracks when I heard it, it felt like she had crawled inside my head and stolen my thoughts about how I felt with the failures & miscarriages and also the hope I had for the future.

When we saw Katy live on her California Dreams tour last year & she sang it saying it was her favourite song, it felt like she was singing it just for me & I sang word for word with her & suddenly had tears stream down my face (& I don't get emotional over a song - it was just the meaning and I was in a 2 week wait at the time - which turned out to be another negative).

I'm hoping one day I can share this song with the little miracle that will come into our lives & explain to them what it means to me & how it was about my journey to bring them into my life. Thank you Katy for summing up how I feel & giving me hope, you or no one else will never understand how much this song means to me.

So here are the Lyrics to Firework:

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Now listen to Katy sing it & the lovely video that goes with it.

Over the moon thank's to an amazing Angel finding us

We are over the moon - thanks to our Angel

The timing of things can really be unbelievable at times, just when things seem impossible something incredible happens.

On 17 Jan H & I had our appointment with the fertility clinic nurses to go through the whole donor egg process, how it works & all the info you needed. It was a very overwhelming overload of info during the course of 1.5 hours that left H & I with our heads spinning.

While sitting there with the nurse, I happened to gaze out the window and observe the wet, gloomy day & it struck me. It was approx 3 years ago we had sat in this office with a nurse on a day just like this, going through all the info to start IVF & how it would be the answer to our prayers. I became very upset that 3 years on, here we were with no family & now going down a path neither of us had imagined. I had made posts on several websites seeking an egg donor angel since early Dec 2011 when Dr J advised that was the next step to make. I'd had no responses or even any questions.

Realising it was 3 years & all the info the clinic had provided made it seem like finding a donor was going to be quite hard, my emotions just built up and when we left the appointment & H was going to get the car I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt, sad, angry, frustrated but most of all scared we would never have a chance to have the family we want so badly.

This turned into a very bad anxiety attack and H drove me home & decided to work from home that day just to be around to support me. When the dust had settled I was then very mad at myself for being as I perceive it 'being weak' and getting that upset. The following day we happened to already have an appointment with Dr K booked and it was great timing to be able to go in & talk about how I was feeling. Dr K reassured me I was not 'weak' & that I was coping very well. It was nice to be given some coping advice and also to be told your fears & reactions to this type of stress are totally NORMAL.

I got home from the appointment feeling pretty drained as talking about everything got me (obviously) very emotional again & H and I had a big discussion later that day about our hopes of finding an egg donor and doing our best to stay positive & hope for a miracle. Exhausted & with a headache from 2 days of crying on & off I went to bed & crashed.

I woke up about 9pm & had some late dinner with H, while he was getting it I checked my emails & couldn't believe what was in my in box - it was an email from a young woman saying she had completed her family and would love to help us by being our donor & were we interested and where to from here as this is the first time she's been a donor. I literally screamed at H to come & read the email & we of course replied straight away.

I went to sleep that afternoon (without trying to sound too dramatic) exhausted & in the depths of despair and then I woke up to find a MIRACLE in my in box.

For the next few day's we exchanged email's (lots of them) our Angel has read this blog and was lovely to email with (with a great sense of humour!) I keep the blog anonymous so I hope our Angel doesn't mind she will just be called Angel (you know who you are lovely!) This amazing woman is in her mid 20's and has two darling's of her own under 3. She has wanted to be a donor since she was 19 but Dr's recommend you have completed your own family before becoming a donor. She understands the need for donors due to a friend needing a sperm donor to have her family I'll quote from one of her emails:  "I have a close friend that has needed a sperm donor for all of her babies, and thank goodness there are donors otherwise she would never have had her family, and this chick was born to have a tribe of kids LOL, I'm so happy I can help, its making me smile all day at the moment."

After lots of emails,info & photo's being exchanged we are thrilled and can't believe this one has chosen us to be the first couple she donates too. Everything from the first email has fallen into place perfectly and we both keep saying it's really like this is meant to be & it's the perfect fit!

So our Angel lives in another state and to start the process for her to officially become our donor the first things that need to happen are:

H & I have a counselling appointment which is scheduled for Mon 30 Jan , we also had an appointment with Dr J booked for 2 Feb which we made back in December.

Our Angel needs to come up with her other half and:

Have a 1 hour appointment with Dr J
A range of blood tests (sorry in advance hon!!)
An hour long session with the fertility clinic nurses
An hour long session with the counsellor



Once all the appointments on 6 Mar are completed, there is a mandatory 2 week 'cooling off' period for our Angel.  (this is a government/law requirement). Once the 2 weeks is up, all four of us have to attend a counselling session all together (to make life easier the counsellor has already agreed that we can do this session without them having to fly up again, they can phone in and join the session via speakerphone whilst we are present). We need to check, but I think there may possibly be another few weeks cooling off period - either way once all this is done our gorgeous Angel & I can start our first donor cycle together.

Talk about the kindness of strangers, a huge heart & the most amazing gift a person can ever give to another. We can't thank her enough already for just offering to do this for us.

Exciting, hopeful & happy times ahead.

A year ago today & Goodbye 2011.....

A year ago today H & I were in so much emotional pain from the cruel blow of our Second miscarriage, our New Years eve & confirmation of our longed for baby celebratory plans were forgotten & we both went to bed early, exhausted, miserable and hoping 2011 would be a great year seeing 2010 had ended so badly.

Unfortunately that was not to be, 2011 I am glad to see the back of you. I will not re-cap what 2011 was like for us with IVF, further miscarriages, surgeries & ill health. (if you've read the blog, you know the story!)  Emotionally 2011 has been one of the hardest years both H & I have ever had to deal with.

One thing I did learn is that no matter what obstacles present themselves, H & I both still passionately want a child/children in our lives & we will keep going & try anything to achieve this. I leaned that H who I always thought of as my best friend & and amazing human is even more incredible than I ever thought. We got each other through the year, H more often than not being the one getting me through. To quote a line from what is 'our song' and the song we had our first dance to at our wedding "you were my strength when I was weak, you were my voice when I couldn't speak". I have known of couples an issue like this drives a wedge between, not us. If anything we are even stronger than I thought ever possible.

I also found some comfort, support & friendship via a forum & of all places twitter. When I decided to start tweeting a little about what I was going through, others followed me and offered support or had a story of there own to share with me to inspire. You know who you are & your tweets, messages, texts etc... have been a huge help in my being able to cope. Some day's your messages/tweets etc... have been the extra thing I needed to help me make it through that day, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I give myself a very hard time & call myself weak and feel I should cope better. But what is the correct way to cope? Your body crazy with hormones, countless procedures, constantly ill from your immune system being weakened by treatment then the fall out after another miscarriage or negative result. Maybe I should stop & listen to H, Dr J, Dr K & many of my friends & acquaintances who call me brave & tell me they don't know how they would do it & think I am coping very well considering everything. Hmmmmmmmmmm whys it so hard to say to myself "you are doing well, considering"?

2011 is officially over & although I would not put my hand up to repeat it, I guess I did learn some valuable lessons. Tonight we went out for New Years Eve and celebrated the end of the year and the hope & promise of 2012.

2012 is starting by going into the unknown & looking for an egg donor. We have appointments for counselling & with our clinic lined up in January to give us more information & help with the process. Yes we are praying for a miracle, to find a donor & for a successful pregnancy BUT I have to accept I have no control over this and just go where this journey takes me.

I love music & always have, it is something that is a huge part of my life. Several songs over the past year have really stood out to me & have had special meaning to me & I have mentioned them in other posts.

For 2012 I would like to live by the message in Guy Sebastian's new song Don't worry, be happy. If you have not heard it, give it a listen. Some really great lyrics & also a video showing a day a lot of us may have had. Thanks for the inspiration to start the new year Guy.

Don't worry, be happy: Guy Sebastian Official Music Video

Happy New Year to you all & no matter what dreams you have, I hope yours come true as much as I want mine too. 



The waiting is the hardest part & how I'm coping or not coping with Christmas

Well so the lyrics from the song by Tom Petty & the Heart breakers goes....

While I'm not currently doing an IVF cycle, I want to use my blog to be honest about how I'm feeling & what I'm thinking. Maybe the posts should start "Dear Diary"! Seriously though maybe someone well read these posts and relate & not feel alone. A problem shared is a problem halved so the saying goes.

Once we made the decision earlier this year to try donor sperm, well it was easy.  After counselling etc.. you are given a list of donors and you make your pick, simple.

Now we have taken the Dr J's advice to look for an egg donor its not that simple. First we have to go through counselling all over again. 2 sessions, 2 weeks apart then a 2 week cooling off period. It's a little silly as we did counselling for donor sperm and this is exactly the same - its just role reversal, this time instead of sperm its an egg so the child will only biologically be 50% ours, a decision which had already been made. Also there is the cost as last time it was about $600 for these sessions and non of it was able to be claimed back.

As soon as Dr J told us to find an egg donor we got right on to it. Unlike donor sperm, there is no egg bank where you can go & choose some from. You have to advertise for someone to be a donor for you. The same day we saw Dr J, that night I had posted two adverts on line seeking a donor. I did further research and found some other sites to post on as well.

H & I aren't controlling people but we are both very organised & are planners. Finding a donor is totally out of our hands. We have to wait until someone responds to our advert & as you can imagine there are many people advertising, just as we are. I didn't think I would get a response straight away but nearly 2 weeks on I have not had one enquiry about our advert.

I start to worry "what if we can't find a donor?" This is all up to fate & is I guess, in gods hand's. I'm trying to relax and not think about it and try to use this time I have given myself away from IVF till March as a break from stress. But of course there is no guarantee we can do IVF in March, a no donor by then, no go.

Christmas this year is difficult, I hoped last year that this Christmas we would have our longed for child or at least be pregnant. H & I love Christmas, I never had a Christmas tree growing up so when we first moved in together we went & got one & over the years have collected so many beautiful ornaments & decorations. We normally play some of our favourite Christmas music and decorate in November. Of course in November I was doing IVF & felt quite unwell, even more so than usual with the steroids they had put me on. By the time December came around I had to cope with the heart diagnosis & the fact cycle 9 had been a failure.

H & I both didn't feel in the Christmas spirit & as the family aren't coming to our house this year, we just didn't have out hearts in decorating like we normally do. This is the first Christmas in 14 years in this house together it has not been decorated. We've put out a Santa sack to put our gifts in & strung up the cards we've received and that's it. Last Friday night H & I decided that it might be nice to do one of our usual traditions, which is drive around and have a look at the houses who have won the Christmas lights contest. We got to the first house & I started to feel a bit sad seeing all the little happy smiling faces, when we got to the second house every other person had a babe in arms or was pregnant or both. I started to feel dizzy & anxious and for the first time in a very long time I had a panic attack. I just made it back to the car before bursting into tears.

I was not jealous, nor did I begrudge all those people with their beautiful families. I think I just was overwhelmed with the fear of 'what if we never get to experience that'.  I had cried when I found out cycle 9 had failed & had shed some tears on & off, but that night I really let it all out & sobbed for quiet some time whilst apologising to H for being so weak (which he assured me I'm not). I woke up the next morning and felt no better, it was a similar feeling to how I've felt when someone has passed away.

As luck would have it, I happened to already have an appointment with my therapist for first thing Monday morning and I had started crying again in the waiting room. When Dr K came out to get me I joked "you can see this is off to a good start, I'm already crying in the waiting room". I had not seen Dr K since October so I explained everything that had happened and how I felt I was coping very badly.



I then got an email Tuesday from a friend who is also battling infertility, but is on a different path than I am (she's only done 1 IVF cycle) & I think her way of coping is joking about it. A few months ago she was the one I blocked from twitter when she responded to a tweet of mine that I had use of my arms & legs, a great husband, the cats & life would be fine if I didn't have a child. Maybe that's what she tells herself. But H & I both have an overwhelming, strong desire to be parents. So knowing all this I get an email from her that is a joke about being infertile at Christmas. It was set to the 12 days of Christmas but all the lines were about being infertile & not having children etc... at this time of year. I have a fantastic sense of humour, even Dr J tells me how funny I am & how much charisma I had (what a nice compliment!) but I didn't find this funny, I found it offensive & upsetting, especially coming from someone who knows what this year has been like.

Think before you email or tweet people, just because you deal with something a certain way doesn't mean other people do (& she knows we don't have the same view on this). When I mentioned a few weeks back I felt bad for Guilianna Rancic having to have a double mastectomy, her reply was "she has a great husband and plenty of money, she'll be fine". All the money & the greatest husband in the world would not take away the pain, stress & grief that dealing with something like that would cause. I responded to the 12 days of infertile Christmas email saying I know you didn't mean to upset me and you were trying to be funny, but I'm not coping very well & it made me cry. I asked her to please not send me anything like that again & she agreed & apologised.

I know it takes all sorts to make this world go round but I would not send an email like that, it was inappropriate & not really something to make a joke out of, especially knowing the year H & I have had. When I showed H & he saw the heading, he didn't even want to read it. I try to always be sensitive & in tune with others & would only send something like that if I knew the person was constantly joking about the situation & making light of it. This is were I find that IVF & infertility is quite isolating as people (even ones that are going through something similar) don't seem to understand that everyone handles things differently & that's why I have spoken to fewer & fewer people about my feelings beside H, now this blog & several of my friends I have made on twitter & some forums.

I'm not looking forward to Christmas day but I am grateful that H has some time off till mid January and we can look forward to spending some time together and maybe go out & do some fun things. I can't wait for New Years ever as I am looking forward to saying good bye to 2011 & too welcome in 2012 with lots of hope & positivity.

Good to have all that out of my head.

Time to make a big change with the help of an angel......

12 December 2011

YEP HERE IS A USELESS EGG, APPARENTLY LIKE MINE

So today was what has become known as the dreaded 'failure appointment'. As discussed last cycle Dr J feels that after 9 rounds of IVF/ICSI and several of those using donor sperm and our result of 4 miscarriages, it's time to make another change. That change is to look for an egg donor.

H & I are were going to take a break from all this till March 2012, so now this gives us time to explore every way possible to find an egg donor. When we do find an egg donor, Dr J has talked about the possibility of fertilising the donor eggs with half of H's sperm & the other half a donor. So say we get 10 eggs, 5 will have ICSI done with H's sperm & the other 5 with a donor. That way we are covering all bases.

It is a big decision to head down this road BUT we had discussed the possibility of this at the start of the year when we switched to using donor sperm. If that was unsuccessful, then donor eggs were the next step. We worked through the disappointment issue of not having a child fully, biologically ours then. No it's not what you expect or plan for when trying to start a family, but we desperately want a baby and will try anything or anyway to conceive one.

We have so much love to give and want a child or children, that the biology is not an issue. I know a few ladies who have become pregnant with the use of donor eggs and they have told me they love that child just as much, if not more & never think of it as not being biologically theirs.

The hard part will be finding a donor. Hopefully we can find someone in our city and the specifications are:The donor has to be aged 18 - 35 and have finished having their own family, be healthy and pretty much be an angel to want to give this gift to us. The donor undergoes a partial IVF cycle of medication to produce eggs & has the egg pick procedure, then their part is done.

LOOKING FOR AN ANGEL

If you are reading this & think you would like to do this or know someone who would, then please contact me via the contact form for more info. We are in Australia and overseas donor's are not an option as the eggs would have to be frozen & sent over here & the freezing can create damage to the eggs. Please only contact if you are GENUINE about pursuing this with us.

So Last Christmas I wished, prayed & imagined that this christmas, we would have a baby or one on the way. Christmas is here & may wish isn't. I'm almost scared to wish that this be the case next Christmas. But if would be wonderful to be sitting here & have trouble reaching my keyboard to blog because of a big ole baby bump :)

Shania Twain released a great song earlier this year called Today is your day & one of the lines from it is "Don't give up here, dont you quit" well there is no way I'm quitting or giving up on this dream to be a mother & for H & I to have our much longed for family. They say everything happens for a reason, even though you may not understand it at the time. Hopefully this is the case with our story.

Starting the new year with new hope.

Listen to a song that I take a lot of inspiration from Today is your day By Shania Twain below: