That Dreaded D Word - Doubt

This is a personal post. I felt a little down yesterday then ended up in tears late last night before bed.

Since our last IVF cycle ended with a negative result on 1 Dec 2011, I've been on a break. Partly because we had to find a donor & partly because I was physically & emotionally drained. I just could not take the pain of another negative result or miscarriage as each one just hurt more than the previous. I had also lost my hope, I would try to be positive but when I first started I would daydream about phoning people & telling them the good news, buying baby clothes, setting up the nursery, going for the ultrasounds - I would be looking forward to so much but in the last few cycles, although I stayed positive I just couldn't allow myself to have those daydreams anymore.

Finding out we would need to find an egg donor was difficult news to take at first (as I'm sure any of you imagine it would be), however I knew in my heart if that's what we had to do, we would do it. So I posted in on line forums searching for my angel and came to terms with being on a break from IVF & waiting for someone to respond to my plea for help.

The first month seemed so alien, no waiting to start certain medications etc.. for a cycle, I even felt a little guilty that I was not actively doing something to achieve our dream. Then our Angel donor found us and ever since then I have been on cloud 9. Apart from this fabulous gift she is giving us, I adore her to bits & we get on so well. A special person has come into my life & fate has looked after us.

From the moment our donor found us I have been so over the moon & so positive as soon as we did a cycle it would work & even started daydreaming again (I turn 40 in August & was already thinking about outfit options for my little celebration then stopped & thought 'you'll be pregnant so that dress may not fit etc...)

THEN I saw Dr J on 14 Mar & after all the technical stuff was discussed, I asked what my chances of this working were? Obviously I wasn't expecting a high five and a contract written in blood guaranteeing success & Dr J went through all the issues I have and finished by saying this is my best chance. (OK maybe I did expect that guarantee written in blood).

Maybe its because I'm hormonal waiting for AF to arrive any day but this planted the tiniest seed of doubt in my mind about this not working. I ignored it all day yesterday & kept pushing it to the back of my head & refused to acknowledge it. A male 'friend' who knows what we've been through however I do not discuss this with him anymore due to his lack of sensitivity sent me a text last night that upset me.

He & his partner have been trying for a baby for a year & each time they fall pregnant they miscarry so are now doing IVF too. I got a text from him about 2 weeks ago all excited saying we're pregnant. It was not jealousy as I'm not that type of person but I did think, maybe after all you know we have been through - you could keep that news to yourself until you are past the 12 week mark. I sent a text saying that was good news but I wouldn't say congratulations until the passed the 12 week milestone.

Last night I got a text from him about possibly going to a show with H & I in Oct/Nov - the text was along the lines of "let me know the dates the show is on but our due date is 29 Oct so may not be able to go". This upset me, why? Because they have not even had their first scan & they have never had a pregnancy last more than 2 weeks - why through things like due dates in my face with their track record & what I'm going through. It's not he's a super positive person or anything like that, he is just very insensitive & that is why I hardly see him anymore. This is the guy that when I was suffering my first miscarriage called round as he was coming to a show with us for H's birthday & upon arrival asked me if "I was still knocked up?"

So for the first time in ages I felt fear last night, I'm actually scared to start IVF again I realised. I want to do it & have not changed my mind at all but I'm just so scared to potentially expose myself to all that heartache & pain again after being without it for the past few months. Also the thought of a negative result or miscarriage fills me with dread. This break has made me so much stronger body & soul & ready to take this on. I just had a mini hormonal melt down & played that game that should be banned called 'What if?'

H listened & was wonderful, I had a good cry & got it all out of my system. This morning it all seems better again, to quote the Lily Allen song I guess I was just taken over by the fear...............

My Plan For First Donor Cycle

WED 14 Mar 2012

We saw Dr J today to find out what exactly I/We have to do for a donor cycle. Bit of a technical post this one!

The first step is to get my donor and my cycles in sync. My angel is already on the pill & I (of course) am not. So first thing is to wait for my next period to arrive which SHOULD be any day now (it never comes when you want it). I then start the pill and after 14 days on it for me, my donor & I will both stop taking it at the same time to bring on a period.

This time I have to do what is called a HRT cycle, on the first day I start Synarel nasal spray & progynova tablets (had synarel before & not a fan, the tablets I've never had). As I suffer from NK (natural killer) cells I will also start back on the steroid prednisone the same day (oh joy as last time they had me burning up, really made me feel like I was having a mid life crisis!) - please know that any complaints I make about the drugs are just the facts & what I have experienced taking them, the end result outweighs all this, otherwise I wouldn't do it!!

On day 7 Dr J wants to scan me & check my lining in case she needs to increase any of the medications. I repeat a scan again on Day 10. As this is our donor's first ever cycle Dr J has to work off estimates, and at present the egg collection for her should go ahead on my day 14. Once my angel has her egg pick up I start progesterone in the form of Crinone twice a day until transfer day.

 On the day of egg transfer we & Dr J have decided how ever many eggs are collected, half will be fertilised with H's sperm & the other half donor sperm to increase our chances of success. Now the don't just put it all in a shaker & you have no idea whats what! The two lots of embryos fertilised with the different sperm are kept separate & when it comes to transfer day, you know which embryo is going back. Of course if embryo's make it to day 5 with H's we will transfer one of those back first.

Hopefully by day 19 we have some wonderful embryos & Dr J will transfer one back (ONLY ONE & is adamant about this!!) I will then have to double my steroid dose of prednisone, continue 2 lots of crinone a day & start my other favourite, clexane injections which sting like crazy.

Then the 2 week wait begins. So I'm just waiting for Aunt Flo to come to town (so to speak) so I can start the pill for 14 days.

Sounds simple on paper but from past experience NOTHING is simple with this process BUT this is a totally different cycle so who knows.

Really, truly hoping & praying more than ever................

Read the article below online & thought it was great, been in a lot of the situations they describe & wish I had a dollar for every time someone told me having a family was not THAT important & to be grateful for the life I have etc.....

Many don't think before they speak & this article is helpful, sometimes just a simply empathetic sorry would be great............

MAYBE THIS ARTICLE WILL PREVENT YOU SUFFERING FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE!

Infertility Etiquette: What Not to Say to Someone Trying to Conceive

Saying nothing or the wrong thing can hurt a woman going through the already emotional upheaval of infertility. This crash course in infertility etiquette can help you lend a sympathetic (and sensitive) shoulder.

By Elizabeth Shimer Bowers

Medically reviewed by Lindsey Marcellin, MD, MPH

For some women, getting pregnant is enjoyable and almost effortless. But for others, the road to conception can be difficult — sometimes impossible. In fact, more than 7 million women in the United States are either unable to get pregnant at all or unable to carry a baby to term, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. These women face

infertility struggles that can completely take over their lives, both physically and emotionally. Someone in your world — a co-worker, a friend, a relative — may be dealing with infertility right now, and the tactfulness and sensitivity you show in your interactions could make or break your relationship.
Knowing what to say or not say to someone coping with fertility struggles can be difficult, especially since she may not give you any clues. Plus, what’s comforting to one person might be hurtful to someone else. There’s no hard rule on infertility etiquette, but these tips, from both experts and real women struggling to get pregnant, may help.

The Importance of Empathy

Nobody knows the pain of infertility better than women who are going through it themselves. Take, for example, Amy Miller (not her real name), a public relations professional in San Francisco. Miller has experienced the impact of four rounds of unsuccessful infertility treatments — the first resulted in the loss of twins at 20 weeks, the second failed to take, the third resulted in a blighted ovum, and the fourth also failed to take — all while “dozens of our friends, family, and other people around us popped out babies like it was the easiest thing in the world,” she says.
Miller’s first piece of advice for people who know someone facing infertility is just to say something. “Even if you don’t know what to say, simply saying ‘I’m sorry’ is better than saying nothing at all,” she says. “People wanted to give us our space, but that just made us feel more isolated.”
Sarah Smith (not her real name), an entrepreneur in New York City who has been dealing with infertility for a year and a half, agrees. “I just want a little empathy — a ‘That sucks’ or even ‘At least you can still have a beer,’” she says. “I would rather they try to relate than not say anything.”
Mary Hinckley, MD, a reproductive endocrinologist at the Reproductive Science Center in the San Francisco Bay area, also stresses the importance of acknowledging a situation as life-altering as infertility. “At some point, the fertile friend should address the issue in private by telling her friend struggling with infertility that she cannot begin to understand how hard it is but that she is available to talk about the situation,” Hinckley says.
Beyond lending an ear, Dr. Hinckley also recommends spending quality time with your friend. “Get a baby-sitter for your kids, and go out to a movie or to dinner or join a jogging club or yoga class together,” she suggests. “Psychological studies show that distraction can sometimes be the best strategy for infertility sadness in the short term.”

Infertility Faux Pas

Equally important is knowing what not to say to a friend facing an infertility struggle. Prevent foot-in-mouth disease by steering clear of these dialogue disasters:
Have you tried _____? “I hate when people start asking me: ‘Have you had this test? Have you tried acupuncture? Have you had your husband’s sperm tested?’” says Smith. “Yes, we’ve had the tests, and, yes, we are exploring our options. I would rather not discuss the details of infertility treatments unless you have real expertise on the subject. It’s so annoying and, frankly, insensitive.”
Hinckley says offering advice may make the recipient feel like the advice giver doesn’t think she is smart or motivated enough to seek help. “However, if the friend facing infertility is feeling lost or depressed or doesn’t know what to do or what is normal, asking open-ended questions and listening may be the best thing you can offer,” she says.
I’m pregnant! Yay! “If you become pregnant yourself, be careful about how you tell a person who’s dealing with infertility,” Miller says. “We had some friends who denied a pregnancy when we noticed a baby’s room during a visit to their home and then called us all chipper a few days later to break the news, which was hurtful. Another friend called my husband and calmly said, ‘We wanted to tell you we are expecting, and we hope it’s not awkward for you,’ which was a much more sensitive way to handle it.”
Here — hold the baby! “If a friend undergoing infertility treatment is strong enough to visit you after you’ve given birth, don’t shove the baby in her arms,” Miller says. “Instead, ask if she wants to hold the baby, and be understanding of the fact that her reaction might be different from that of someone who is not dealing with infertility.”
It will all work out.
Hinckley says that "dismissive statements such as these can minimize the pain and sadness of someone who is going through infertility treatment." Also not sensitive is "suggesting they ‘go on vacation and just have sex every day.'"
It’s better if you just move on. “You should never tell someone facing infertility that they should just get over it,” Miller says. “They will get that feedback from support groups filled with people going through the same infertility struggles.”
Overall, when it comes to infertility etiquette, it’s best to step into the shoes of your friend and try to understand how you would feel if you were faced with certain comments, says Fran Praver, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Locust Valley, N.Y., and author of The New Science of Love: How Understanding Your Brain's Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship. “Would you want to hear a friend complain about a past pregnancy, push adoption, or tell you to relax?” she asks. Think about what would make you feel hurt versus what would make you feel understood and supported if you were the one facing infertility, she suggests. Such empathy is key to maintaining the relationship.
On a positive note, Miller says that if any good has come from her infertility struggle, it’s that it has taught her and her husband to express more of the empathy they crave from others. “We are able to more sensitively talk to people dealing with death and other losses in their lives,” she says. “So, in that way, infertility has made us better people.”

Finally Getting Face to Face With My Angel For A Flying Visit To Get Started

For weeks now we had been counting down to 6 March, this was the day our angel & her fiance were flying up to meet us & do the first round of donor appointments so we could get the ball (or should I say eggs?) rolling.

Their flight landed at 6.30am and I woke about 5 minutes before the alarm excited as today was the day, quick showers & grooming were done & we flew out the front door & headed to the airport. Then I checked my phone to see I had a text saying they flight had been delayed by an hour. We decided to make a pit stop at McDonald's for a coffee & while leaving, I slipped & fell on the wet ground and banged up my knee. (Lucky H was hanging on to me) - blood was pouring but all I could think about was am I OK & is nothing broken (as per my last fall). Off the ground & some quick first aid & some ice & we were back on our way to the airport.

Our Angel & her fiance arrived and it was so good to meet face to face, we headed into the city to get the appointments underway and grab some breakfast. We all got along really well & were too busy exchanging stories about their kids, things we had in common & life in general to discuss the egg business.

First stop was Dr J, by the time I got to her room our quick patch up of my knee was falling off & bleeding again so she took great delight in doing some real doctoring and patching me up properly. In they went for their appointment with Dr J & after about 40 mins, Dr J called us in to have a quick chat. Dr J was thrilled with our angel and  started writing up my treatment plan, as she was doing it she only put down 1 embryo to be transferred back into me & I corrected her saying we normally have 2. Dr J explained that with our Angel being so young & fertile there is a risk of 2 dividing & becoming 4 which would be  health risk not only to me, but the babies. Dr J is the expert so I said "whatever you think is best". We see Dr J for a more extensive check up on 14 March.

Next stop was tons of blood being drawn from our Angel who was very brave about it all then on to the fertility clinic for an hour session there with the nurses to go through all the details of the drugs she will be taking etc...

Break in the schedule so as our couple have never been to Brisbane we hit the city centre & did a quick tour & some shopping & grabbed a spot of lunch all the while chatting non stop. Last appointment for the day was there session with the counsellor. We waited & once that hour was up it was some free time to relax before heading back to the airport.

The next step is the 2 week mandatory cooling off period, then we all have to have a joint counselling session which our counsellor has kindly agree to do via skype to save the guys another plane trip up. This session is 20 March & hopefully soon after that we can have our cycles in synch & start this process.

We had our angel & her fiance back to our house & showed them around our area a little, as they get married in September we got into some girly things like looking at our wedding album & invitations, discussing dresses, shoes etc.....  We had a snack & were all chatting away non stop when H said "its time to head to the airport" we were having such a nice time I didn't want to let them leave.

It was a fabulous day/experience & not for the reason you would assume (that being I have someone to donate their eggs to us). it really was a lovely day & H & I both loved spending time with this great & fun couple who if we had met any other way would be friends for sure.

Now the waiting, 20 March seems like forever away - Angel is impatient like me too and we both want to start NOW. Hopefully its soon.....

This experience & all the fears I had were unfounded & it has turned out completely different than how I ever imagined.

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you......

I'm so thrilled with the angel that found us, not only is she doing something so incredible for us but getting to know her more over the past few weeks she is a fun & fabulous girl whom if we'd met any other way I know we would have become fast friends. I could wax lyrical for hours & write non stop about how lovely she is, not because she is doing this but because we have so much in common BUT I will try to keep this post not too long.

This is a first for us both, we are the first couple she has donated to. After reading so much online about what a lot of potential donors want & expect from the recipient & the future relationship they have with the child I was a little scared, some donors treat egg donation almost treat it like adoption & want regular visits & all kinds of things that scared me a little.

Since our first contact our angel (who we shall call A) started emailing pretty much non stop about all kinds of things. Firstly there was a lot of info about the process & arranging times for her to come to us seeing she lives in another state. But we also started just talking like girls in general do & found we had an awful lot in common. A is getting married later in the year so we have talked a lot about her wedding & wear to find things & talking about things we did all those years ago to save money. Our emails were certainly not stiff & informal and I spoke to A like I do anyone & I'm pretty sure that's how she spoke with me.

She asked if it would be OK if we had a chat on the phone & I thought why not? & was quite excited by the idea. She called me on her birthday (we knew it was her birthday from all the info she provided for us to give to Dr J & the clinic, so we had sent her a birthday card as a surprise!) when she called she was driving to the Zoo & we ended up talking for her whole trip (nearly an hour). There was never once an awkward pause (wish talking to boys on the phone as a teenager had been this easy) and neither of us drew breath.

Besides talking a little about some of the technical things & what to expect with her appointments on Mar 6 we discussed anything & everything. We have a mutual love of Twilight & are both Team Edward, love a great bargain, talked about how we met our partners, in fact we covered so many topics & bounced from one thing to the next I can't remember them all. When we said goodbye I had a huge smile on my face as I had enjoyed out chat so much. She also got a lovely surprise with our birthday card!

The emails continued & text's which often had nothing to do with IVF & donation, and as she has found another couple to be an Angel for after us, there clinic has asked her a lot of questions about donor/recipient relationships going forward & she sent them to me asking would I mind answering but it was OK if I didn't want to. I will post the questions on a separate page as they maybe of use to someone else looking for a donor. A had already put her answers down the bottom of the email but I went ahead and filled it out & then read her answers. We were totally in sync with everything, from what type of future contact we would both like to what would happen with excess embryos etc....

Thursday the phone went out of the blue and it was A, I think we racked up a 90 minute call this time!! We discussed the questions a little bit more & there was one questions she hadn't included as she felt funny about it & it was along the lines of how the child would be raised, religion, discipline etc..  she said she had discussed this with her partner & they both felt although the child is biologically half hers, that she is donating an egg not giving away a baby & apart fron the fact they hoped the child was not going into an abusive home, they didn't really feel they had a say in the raising of the child.

I was happy to discuss this question with her anyway & told her as we have been trying since 2007 we already  had ideas on how we would raise a child, even what school it will attend etc...  I even told her when she comes up she will see the school we have picked as its right near our home & our neighbours children attend. We could have been two peas in a pod, as everything I said we wanted for our child & how we would like to raise it is almost exactly how they raise & discipline there children. On a funny note her mother is very supportive of her doing this & would loved to have been a donor herself but time got away, she kids my Angel that I am going to give her the girl she has wanted seeing she let her down by having boys!!! (joking of course) I think that is very cute!!

After that we discussed stories about growing up, favourite foods, hair styles, clothes, hunky actors & had a typical female conversation that was fun & again left me hanging up in a very good mood & smiling from ear to ear.

As we friended each other on facebook (she told me I could delete her if I didn't want to stay friends) I said that would be a great way if we are blessed with a successful pregnancy, going forward over the years for her to see pictures of the child etc... & email or call me if she wants any copies to keep. We both expressed we would like to meet up after the baby is born as if it was not for her, I wouldn't have the child but I also feel it would be very rewarding for her to see the family she helped create. We discussed staying in contact as we are now (may be less often is she has donors she has to concentrate her time on) & catching up from time to time whenever the opportunity arises (seeing we live in different states) and various other things we were 100% in agreement with going forward. We are both super excited & counting down the days till Mar 6 (which now it not far off) & we can't wait to meet in person.

H & I were both so scared & anxious heading down this path of finding a donor, getting to know a stranger & the chances of getting on with them under any circumstance can be rare, yet to put an advert out there seeking for someone to donate their eggs for you to have a family & the chances you get on with this person & have similar ideals & values - I didn't think that would happen. Once again fate has looked after me & I really must have my own angel looking out for me as back in 96 fate arranged for H & I to meet & now she has not let me down & looked after me again by sending me the most amazing angel egg donor.

Whoever you are, my angel up there THANK YOU xoxo

A Song that inspires & means so much to me.....

The first time I heard this song was after our second failed round of IVF, Katy Perry's new album came out that week & H got it for me to cheer me up as I'm a big fan & have been since I saw her in a small, intimate show back in 2009 before she became the huge star she is now.

This song started & as I listened to the lyrics I started to cry as the first verse put into words EXACTLY how I was feeling, the second verse gave me hope. Eventually Katy released it as a single and it was everywhere and it would always stop me in my tracks when I heard it, it felt like she had crawled inside my head and stolen my thoughts about how I felt with the failures & miscarriages and also the hope I had for the future.

When we saw Katy live on her California Dreams tour last year & she sang it saying it was her favourite song, it felt like she was singing it just for me & I sang word for word with her & suddenly had tears stream down my face (& I don't get emotional over a song - it was just the meaning and I was in a 2 week wait at the time - which turned out to be another negative).

I'm hoping one day I can share this song with the little miracle that will come into our lives & explain to them what it means to me & how it was about my journey to bring them into my life. Thank you Katy for summing up how I feel & giving me hope, you or no one else will never understand how much this song means to me.

So here are the Lyrics to Firework:

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Now listen to Katy sing it & the lovely video that goes with it.